The Prequel
by amacma
Summary: What if Jack and Audrey had already met before Season 3?
1. Pre-S3: Day 1, Washington DC

_Hi everyone,  
_ _I'm back with a new story (will be a shorter one, but let's see how this develops) -  
_ _I've recently watched S2 and S3 and one thought came into my mind: It would be totally in line with the canon, if Audrey and Jack had met between S2 and S3 already - so this is what this story is about. Audrey was already working at DoD, as an advisor to the intelligence committee responsible for CTU missions, and Jack is just planning his undercover mission with the Salazars.  
_

 _I'd also like to dedicate this story to one of my reviewers who said that there were too few stories covering Jack pre/post S3!_

 _Have fun reading! amacma_

 _._

 _._

 _._

* * *

Being in Washington brought back lots of memories. Most of them were associated with past missions, of having to answer questions of committees, before they'd decide on a _go_ or _no-go_.  
The last time that he'd been here was already years in the past. Five years ago, he had come here to get his final mission briefing for the _Nightfall_ mission. It was a wonder that five years had passed already.

He tried to push the memories of the past five years out of his head as he opened up the file on the table in front of him to read the first pages again until they'd wait for the DoD representative who would be the first one to ask questions.  
Tony did the same. He had been sitting here, drowned in the papers, for the past fifteen minutes already while Jack had looked around in the room, quite aimlessly, trying to sort his thoughts. There was a bunch of unpleasant questions, which they could ask. Tony wanted him to be prepared, but actually he hadn't found any answers to the questions on the sheet of paper that Tony had given to him yesterday. Half of the night, he'd been sitting in his hotel room, awake, thinking about answers. He had none.

The door got opened up and a young man and a blonde woman came in.

Jack and Tony stood up immediately, buttoning up their jackets to greet her. She introduced herself and asked them to sit down again.  
Judging from the thick file in her hands, containing all their mission profiles and cover details, he guessed that Tony wouldn't have needed to introduce him to her at all, she seemed well prepared for this meeting. In the end, she sent her other colleague away again. The three of them were alone in the room now.

"Agent Almeida, we're here to go through all the information that you supplied us with. Tomorrow you will meet the committee which will decide on the mission but there are some questions which we have to go through beforehand. I will consolidate some of the information and brief the committee tomorrow."

Jack watched her closely. She looked extremely confident and seemed like she was enjoying her job here. After all, he hadn't seen that many women in high-level DoD positions. Some of them who he'd met were ex-officers, but she didn't look like she'd ever been in the army. There was nothing rude on her, not the slightest sign of having ever fired a gun or faced an enemy. Everyone who had been a soldier at one point carried something home – a faint scar, a distinctive tattoo, a certain way of talking or maybe just that look in their eyes that spoke volumes. He knew that he had all those signs, but the woman across him had none. He fingernails were neatly done, she wore a few rings and a marriage ring, expensive looking clothes, high heels… simply her elegant and slim figure distinguished her from all the manly women with military backgrounds who were also working here.  
He listened to her and Tony talk for a few minutes, until she turned to him for the first question.

"Agent Bauer, when do you think would be a favorable point in time to start your undercover mission?"

"We can be ready to start it within three weeks after we receive a _go_ from the intelligence committee." Jack looked over to Tony. "We'd have to pull a few agents and analysts off other cases, brief them and then start to get the cover story going."

She nodded her consent and wrote that down, while she had another look at the papers that she'd received beforehand. "Why did they choose you, Agent Bauer, to do this mission?", she asked.

That was one of the questions off Tony's list, which he had read for a hundred times but hadn't really found a good answer for.  
"I was the only logical choice.", Jack said, crisply.

"That answer is not good enough, Agent Bauer.", she looked up from her papers. "There are a thousand agents out there, probably twenty at your branch of CTU who could also do that job. So why you?"

He knew that he shouldn't take this personal. After all, she was just preparing them for the committee hearing tomorrow, where the same topics would come up, but even a few levels harder.  
"Are you familiar with the cover story?", he asked her, almost provocatively. He felt Tony get nervous beside him. "There are not so many agents out there with that kind of a history.", he added.

"You left active service two years ago.", she read from his file. "Is that the history you're talking about? That doesn't really qualify you."

"Oh yes, it does", Jack cut in, "This is the exact thing that made CTU Los Angeles choose me as primary operative for this mission. Read the cover story, Ms. Raines.", he emphasized again.

She had already read the cover story three times. "Ex-agent, left service and got hooked on drugs. Now trying to make a come-back, but on the other side of law and the border.", she summarized. "It's a decent background story, but what the committee will want to know from you tomorrow is why CTU is involved in this and not the DEA."

"We have supplied you with comprehensive evidence that the Salazar cartel is using drug money to finance terrorism and arms trafficking. We're not after their drugs.", Tony explained, searching through his file, "We have evidence of meetings between Ramon Salazar and Armad Uzaghi, one of our most wanted…"

"We are aware of that evidence.", Audrey cut in. "But don't you believe that he'll notice that you are after his terrorist connections when an ex-CTU agent arrives at his doorstep?"

"CTU isn't on his list of enemies. We never had any encounter.", Jack answered, "If an ex-DEA agent showed up he'd probably kill him right away, smelling the trick."

Audrey looked straight into his eyes. "What makes you so sure he won't smell the trick when you show up? What makes you so sure he won't shoot you point blank when you meet him?"

Her eyes kept his locked. She was objective, almost cold when she expected him to talk about his chances of death.  
"Read the cover story.", he just said again. "I've been away from active service for more than two years. There are not many things in my recent past that tie me to CTU or any other agency. He can do a very good background check on me and he won't find anything interesting, even if gets a hold of the real version of my file."

"You were reinstated on a provisional basis for one day, six months ago.", she read from his file. "How do you want to explain this?"

"Bad mistake.", he answered, like a shot. As the words left his mouth, he didn't know if they were a good answer which had suddenly come to his mind or just the plain truth. "I ended up in hospital for three weeks after that day."

"Unfit for further service.", Audrey read from his file.

"We left that in there, already preparing for his cover.", Tony cut in, sliding a piece of paper over the table, over to her, "Agent Bauer is fit to work. He was cleared three months ago, when we started to plan this mission."

She had a look at the report. It wasn't included in any of the files, an anonymous medical report clearing someone for agency field work. "This could be anyone's.", she commented, silently, as if she didn't want to directly accuse them of supplying false information. She inhaled sharply.

"Do I look unfit to you?", Jack asked her.

She sized him up. He didn't look unfit, like his file said. He didn't look like a man who had suffered multiple heart attacks. Actually, he looked well trained, and determined. A blonde man, not all too tall, but she found him handsome. The way he sat here, he looked like he wasn't used to wearing suits. She had read so much about him, in these files, that she had already been eager to meet this man who she had already read so much about. The L.A. crisis, half a year ago, had also been a topic here. There he was, the one who had single-handedly stopped the third world war from happening. She could picture him in a uniform, or in army greens, or wearing a bulletproof vest. But here, he looked somehow displaced.

For a moment she looked into his blue eyes, but then she turned back to the files. That stare was brutally intensive. It felt like his eyes were piercing her. She had challenged him, but he didn't just give in. He had started to challenge her back.  
"Someone else will judge about that. Let's see what the committee decides, but I'll recommend them to have you tested again. Here, at DoD."

"Fair enough", Jack sighed. Tony didn't look satisfied. Not about the test and furthermore, he wasn't really satisfied that he and Audrey Raines were constantly challenging each other.  
Jack decided to stay silent and let them continue. Tony was about to butter her up, to win the committee beforehand.  
They continued talking about financing, equipment and all the other stuff that they didn't need him to talk about. Silently he sat there and watched the DoD representative on the other side of the table. Audrey Raines. He wondered what had brought her here, to this job. She didn't fit here, but as far as he could tell, she made her job pretty well. She could handle being challenged by him, she could also fight off Tony who was still constantly trying to schmooze her. Didn't he know that this wouldn't lead him anywhere? She wouldn't be the one to decide about this mission. Even if she briefed the committee, there was hardly any chance that she'd leave out any of the critical information: his person, the strange cover story that could get him killed in an instant, the fact that CTU was invading DEA territory or that they'd be spending a lot of government money on this.  
He only talked when they asked him a question. Most questions, he answered as short as possible, trying not to interfere any more than he'd already done. The financing and the logistics were Tony's part anyway.

It took them three hours to go through all the details. Three hours in which he just sat there and looked at her, sizing her up again and again.  
She was handsome.  
She was obviously doing her job very well.  
He couldn't deny that he was fascinated by her.


	2. Pre-S3: Day 2, Washington DC

Tony and Jack were standing at the other end of the corridor, looking over to the eight members of the committee, who had left the room through the other door, along with their advisor.

 _Come on, are you still trying to butter her up? The hearing's over._

 _Who? Audrey Raines?_

 _Yes, who else? You've been soft-soaping her for hours yesterday._

 _And yet she seemed to have only eyes for you._

 _Jealous? Michelle's in L.A. waiting for your return._

 _You don't have to remind me of that, trust me. But better be careful, Jack, she's married._

 _Michelle?_

 _No, Audrey Raines._

 _I know, I saw the ring. Trust me, I'd never compromise the mission like that. She's still got her fingers in the play, even after we got the committee's approval._

 _We don't have the go yet, Jack. It's still subject to the condition of you passing their fitness test tomorrow._

 _I wouldn't worry about that._

 _Really?_

They stopped their talk as they saw her come over. Nobody of them said a word, because they didn't want her to hear what they'd been talking about. Tony's worries that Jack might fail the committee's fitness test? Or that they'd openly discussed the fact that she was married and off limits because of her position?

"Agent Almeida, Agent Bauer", she greeted them again, though they'd already met in the committee hearing.

"Ms. Raines.", Tony put on his biggest fake smile again.

"I guess you'll be flying home to coordinate everything?", she asked.

He nodded, _yes_. "My flight leaves at seven. I'll start coordinating everything as soon as we have the final go."

She turned to Jack, looking at him from head to toe. "That should be determined by tomorrow afternoon. You're expected to be here at eight thirty tomorrow for a routine check with our specialists. Please don't see this as an offense, Agent Bauer, but the United States of America will be spending a lot of money on this mission. The committee wants to make sure that you're really up to this."

"It's not an offense", Jack shook his head, "I already said I'm okay with it."

She was glad that he accepted what others would probably see as a personal offense. "Thank you for understanding. I better let the two of you finish whatever you still need to do today, but…", she took a deep breath and held it, "… could you come see me in my office, Agent Bauer, when you're finished here?"

For a second, Tony and Jack exchanged worried glances. What the hell was that about? The hearing was over, what else could she need?

"Room 412, down the hallway, right side.", she added, "It was a pleasure to meet you, Agent Almeida, if you need anything, feel free to call me." They shook hands and she left them back alone.

"What does she still want from you?", Tony hissed at Jack, after she was far enough away.

He shrugged. "No idea. Must have something to do with tomorrow."

"Whatever it is… don't let her lead you up the garden path", he told Jack, "I don't have a good feeling. And don't get into a fight with her again, that's an order!"

"I won't." Jack looked after her, she just disappeared round he corner.

"I'll see you back at CTU", he heard Tony say. He said his goodbyes and then he followed her, down the hallway, turning right at the point where he'd last seen her, to get to room 412. He was still curious, what she could want from him, why she had ordered him into her office.

The door stood open as he arrived there. She was standing at the window, telling him to come in.

He closed the door behind him and slowly went over to her table. For the first time, he was alone in a room with her. The tension grew. She was only an advisor to the committee, but even advisors had quite some power around here. They could filter all the information the committee would get, or sugar-coat it or even make things look worse.

"Please, have a seat, Agent Bauer.", she said, walking back over to her table to sit down as well.  
Then she looked at the man sitting in front of her. "You might not know why I asked you to come here.", she began.

He shook his head, "I don't. But most likely it has got something to do with tomorrow?"

"Yes, indeed. The standard DoD test to clear an agent for field work includes a fitness test and a psychological evaluation."

"A shrink?"

"Exactly." She could see the surprise in his eyes. "After all, you'll be going on a mission trying to maintain an extensive cover story. That includes some degree of mental stability."

"The cover story isn't that extensive.", Jack cut in. "Most parts of it are just reality. I won't even use a fake name, I'll go there using my true identity."

"Don't you think that this makes it even harder?", she asked.

He silently shook his head. "No."

"There will be an awful lot of questions tomorrow, Agent Bauer", she sighed and opened up the file on her table, "About your life, about the death of your wife, about your work at CTU, about your family relations…"

"What?!" He felt his level of anger rising.

She saw it, too, closed the file and leant back into her chair. For a moment she wondered why she wasn't afraid right now. She could see his anger boiling. She knew that just opposite the table, there was a trained killer. There were over one hundred and fifty confirmed kills in his file.  
"I'm on your side, Agent Bauer.", she silently added, trying to calm him down again. "I read your cover story quite some times, also critically. Now that the hearing's over I am allowed to say that I personally believe this mission plan is a good one. I don't want this mission to fail tomorrow."

He sat there, staring into her eyes. Was she playing him? Was she already probing him, for tomorrow? Or was she really on his side, trying to prepare him for that psychological evaluation?  
"So you know what they'll ask me?"

She silently opened up the file and showed him the list of questions. But she kept it at her side. "I'm not allowed to hand that over to you."

"Do you also have the answers?", he asked her.

"What answers?"

"There must be a 'right' answer to each of their questions."

"That's not how a psychological evaluation works, Agent Bauer.", she smiled. "You know that."

He sighed and also leant back into his seat. "Unfortunately.", she murmured. Tony had given him a list of possible questions the day before yesterday, thinking that the committee might ask them. But they had escalated that to the next level, letting a shrink ask him these unpleasant questions. "What are they gonna ask?" He knew that he should be thankful for getting the chance to know their questions beforehand.

Audrey left out the unimportant intro questions and read the first interesting one. "Why did you volunteer for this mission?"

"I was the only logical choice. There is no-one else at CTU Los Angeles who qualifies for field work but has a history like me."

"Why do you believe that the operative's history is that important?" It was not a question from the list, but she guessed that this would be the logical follow-up question. "They could use your history as a reference and create such a background story for any other agent."

"We don't know how deep their connections into the U.S. administration are. We can't rule out the possibility that there's a mole. They would find out about the cover story right away if it wasn't supported by real-life evidence."

"But that shouldn't be one of your concerns, right? You're talking about a mole possible anywhere in the administration and in the agencies."

"We can't know if there is one."

"If we thought like that, we could never again send any agent on an undercover mission, Agent Bauer. That can't be your primary concern.", she looked into his blue eyes. "Are there any other reasons why you think that the strong connection between reality and the cover story might be important?" She knew the concerns of the committee, which the shrink would address with the following questions.

Even Jack could sense the way into which this was going. "They're drug dealers. We can't be sure if they'll use psychoactive substances to assess if the operative's cover story is a fake or not."

"So you expect them to put you on drugs and question you about your history?"

"The chances are fifty fifty in my opinion."

"Do you have a problem with this?", she asked, eager to hear his answer.

"No."

She hadn't expected such a quick, cold answer. "Are you really sure, Agent Bauer?", she asked him again, "After all we're not talking about clinical drugs. The Salazar's are known for heroin and cocaine trafficking. Do you really accept getting in contact with that?"

"Yes."

Again, his answer was cold, determined and quick. "My cover story is gonna say that I've already had contact with that. I guess I shouldn't give them the impression I'd be afraid to get in contact with drugs."

"Have you ever had contact with drugs?" She was back at the list now.

"No."

"Will the drug test - that they'll certainly do tomorrow - confirm that?"

"Yes, it will."

"What will you do when the Salazar's use the same drug test on you?"

"Nothing. The cover story says I'm an ex-junkie. Ex." He put the emphasis on that last word.

"Hair tests can look a few months into the past."

"I'll shave my head a month before I go there. Believe me, Ms. Raines, we've already had numerous discussions at CTU about that. Of course the Salazar's will do a drug test. But there is no test in the whole world that could really prove to them whether I was addicted or not. Maybe they'll see the past month, but that was it." Slowly he was getting his confidence back. If those were the questions that they'd ask him tomorrow, he was well prepared.

She didn't let loose. She knew that if she wanted to prepare him for tomorrow, she had to grill him now. Slowly she even felt that his anger towards her had disappeared, and that he was showing some kind of gratitude towards her for trying to prepare him.  
"But nevertheless you think that they'll put you on drugs for questioning?"

He nodded. "Yes. The chances are there."

"Don't you believe you might get addicted then?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'm heading there to become a high-level operative in their cartel. They wouldn't want their own operatives to be users."

"Or it's gonna be right the other way round. Maybe they want to exercise some kind of control over their own members by keeping them on a short leash… even with the help of drugs?"

This time he didn't answer that quickly.

"Your pause tells me that this is a scenario you've already been thinking about, Agent Bauer.", she added.

He took a deep breath. Yes, it really was one of the scenarios that he feared most. "The chances are small, I guess." What did he actually fear? Being addicted to drugs? He couldn't imagine being like the drug abusers one knew from the bad city parts. They wouldn't let it get that far, he guessed, even if they'd put him on drugs to make him comply, they'd still keep him in a state where he was still useful, able to work, right? There was no other scenario that made sense.

"So if they used drugs on you, what would you do?", she read another one of the questions from the list.

"I'd let them do it."

"You'd get addicted right away."

"No.", he shook his head. "I've talked to numerous specialists about that. One-time use doesn't automatically make you an addict. You can still fight it."

"Do you believe you would be able to fight it?"

"Yes."

She looked up from the list, into his eyes. "What makes you so sure about that, Agent Bauer?"

"I've fought worse", she silently answered, staring into her eyes. "I was told that after all, fighting addiction was just one sort of a painful process."

Audrey looked at the papers, for a short moment, before she turned back to him. _Do you believe you can handle this kind of pain? What makes you believe that?_ were the next two questions on the list.  
She had read his file. All the details of how Peter Kingsley's men had tortured him. He wouldn't have a problem proving to the shrink that he was able to withstand physical pain. But she guessed that a withdrawal also came with enormous psychological effects. She skipped a few questions on the list, continuing, "Are you over the death of your wife?"  
She saw an instant reaction in him.

"No.", he spoke, after a few seconds of thinking.

"Why do you still believe then that you're ready to go on this mission?"

"Not being over it qualifies me for that mission.", he sighed. It felt uncomfortable to talk about Teri in such a blunt way, "It even supports the cover story."

"Of becoming an addict due to her death?"

He nodded his head, "Yes."

"After the death of your wife, have you ever considered doing drugs?"

"No." He felt the anger getting back. Of course, the whole questionnaire was designed to get him angry, to get his emotions out. He really needed to control himself. "What do you think would be the right answer here, Ms. Raines?"

She looked up from the papers. "Sorry?"

"What shall I answer, regarding that question?"

"You said 'no' – I guess that's the right answer, isn't it?", she asked back, taken by surprise.

"If I say 'no', it tells the shrink that I have no history with drugs. On the other hand, it totally ruins the cover story. I wouldn't be credible any more in Mexico, saying that exact answer."

He really made no impression on her, like he'd ever touch that stuff voluntarily. But she could understand his way of thinking. She took the sheet of paper out of her file and slowly slid it over the table, even though she wasn't allowed to.

Jack leant forward and had a look at it. From that point on, there were two sets of questions, depending on him saying yes or no.  
He looked up from the paper, for a second, wordlessly asking her what to do with this information. She was overstepping her boundaries by far, showing him this. She had already been, when she had started to tell him tomorrow's questions, but even showing him the evaluation profile was one step more.

"Have you ever seen this document, Agent Bauer?", she asked, in a very certain way.

"Never.", he shook his head, winking.

She slid the sheet of paper over to him, to let him take it. "You know how to handle this.", she commented. Well, he'd been an intelligence officer for years. Of course he knew how to handle such things.

He silently said yes, folding the paper, putting it into his pocket. He'd read it in his hotel room, and he'd burn it afterwards.  
"I better look for a hotel room for tonight. And I have to rebook my flight."

"Re-schedule it for Wednesday evening.", she spoke, "under what name are you travelling?"

"Henry Fletcher", Jack told her, "We can't leave traces of me coming to D.C. for a meeting at the Pentagon."

She nodded her consent. "That's wise. If you want to, I'll organize you a room at the Cliffside Regent's Hotel. They don't list any records for our bookings."

"Would be great.", he thanked her, drowned in thoughts. Well, actually he didn't have anything else to take care of. Kim didn't expect him home until Friday, Kate… well, Kate was a different chapter. One that the needed and wanted to close anyway. The little piece of luggage that he had was in a locker, downstairs. He was free to stay here, as long as needed.

.

.

 _Well, we need a little prequel here... right? Can't just have Jack and Audrey run into each other's arms though they don't even know each other!_


	3. Pre-S3: Evening 2, Washington DC

Half an hour later, Jack found himself sitting in her car, watching the Washington Monument which he could see from over here, as they were driving on the highway. She had offered to take him to the hotel, which seemed to be on her way home.

Her mobile phone lay at the center console. As it started vibrating, she had a short look at it and turned down the call.  
Jack had been able to read the caller ID – it had said _home_.

A few minutes later, it rang again, this time saying _Paul Raines_.

"I don't mind.", Jack said, as she reached out for it again, to turn down the call.

But she switched it off, anyway. This time, she even switched the phone off completely, remarking, "I don't have a hands-free in this car."

 _What a stupid excuse,_ Jack thought. He could see it on her face, on her whole expression and in the sudden change in her behavior, that this was not about any hands-free. She obviously didn't want to take this call. The man named Paul Raines could only be her husband.  
Silently he sat there, looking out of the window. This was none of his business. He swore to himself not to ask any questions about it.

"Agent Bauer?", she asked, after a while.

He turned around to her. "Call me Jack." He regretted saying that immediately, after the words had left his mouth. Wasn't she actually the higher one in the hierarchy? Had it been rude to offer that?

"Alright then, Jack.", she began again, "I don't wanna disturb you, but you have to know that I lost one of my childhood friends when she started to take drugs." It was an unpleasant topic to talk about.

"I'm sorry to hear that.", he silently answered, knowing where this was going.

"She got hooked on heroin. At first nobody noticed. Then she started telling everyone that she could handle it. She couldn't. It didn't even take two years until she died."

He answered nothing. What should he say? Something like _I'll have it under control?_ Hell no, that was the only answer he could think of, but he knew that it was a bad one. He didn't know it by himself if he'd have it under control, if he would be in that situation one day.

"We all wanted to help her", Audrey continued, "But she turned down all our offers." It hurt to think back.  
As they stopped at a red traffic light, she took a deep breath and turned her head to look at him. "The only advice that I'd like to give you is to let people help you, when you come to that point."

They looked right into each other's eyes.

"You're treating me like I was an addict already.", he remarked. It didn't feel comfortable to be treated like that.

"You said it yourself that the chances are there that you'll get in contact with drugs down there.", she added. Her eyes didn't leave his. "Feelin humiliated?"

"A little, yes."

"Imagine how you'll be feeling in half a year, after it really happened.", she carried on, "Will you let people help you to get out of it again?"

He looked into her eyes, wanting to answer, but right as he wanted to start speaking she already interrupted him –

"Or will you just tell yourself that you're strong enough to fight this on your own? To let nobody range you at the same level like all the kids out on the street with a monkey on their back?"  
Judging from the things that she knew about him, she guessed that even admitting having a problem would be hard for him.

"I don't know what will be in half a year.", he silently answered. He was spellbound by her eyes. It felt like she could see right into his soul, stripping him of all the armor that he had built up in the past years. She had found a way through it, had gotten right to his core.

The honking of a car behind them ripped them out of their thoughts again.  
They hadn't realized that the traffic lights had turned green meanwhile.

She continued to drive.  
The silence came back.

As she already saw the hotel at the end of the road, she knew that she simply had to say it now, what had been on her mind ever since the committee hearing.  
"Agent Bauer… sorry, Jack", she began, "I didn't mean to disturb you by saying all that."

"You didn't.", he tried to reassure her. "I just don't know what will be in half a year."

But they both knew that it was a lie. She had found his sore spot, the thing that was troubling him most about that mission.

"I just want you to talk to people, should you really get into that kind of problems."

Actually he wanted to say something meaningless, like _I will._ But the longer he thought about that, the clearer it got to him that he couldn't just talk to someone about it.

"Jack?"

She was expecting him to say it. To say _I will._ But it would be a big lie, he suddenly realized.  
"It's not that easy, Ms. Raines.", he murmured.

"Why not?"  
She was glad that they had stopped at another red traffic light, so she could catch a glimpse of him.

"CTU protocol is quite strict when it comes to that. The second they realize that I've developed a problem like that, they're gonna get me out of the Salazar environment and the mission is over."

She drove on. That really was a problem. "Okay. So you conceal it as long as the mission is still ongoing."

He had to smile as he heard those words. "So are those my official DoD orders?"

As Audrey saw him laughing, she almost had to laugh, too. "No.", she smiled back. "Officially I never said anything like that."

"And unofficially?"

She sighed. "Like I said before. Don't fight it alone. You're gonna need help when you reach that point. All those addicts out there, they don't die from using drugs. They die because they don't accept anyone's help."

As he looked out again, he saw that she had already parked the car in front of the hotel.

"Jack?"

He turned around, facing her. "Yes?"

"Promise me you'll get help. At least after the mission, when you come back."

She made him envision the possible scenarios. But he just couldn't picture himself walking into Tony's office, saying anything like _listen, I've become a junkie in the past months_ to him. No matter who he'd talk to, CTU would eventually find out about it. It felt like he'd lose everything, by admitting that.

"They'd probably throw me out of CTU, right away.", he silently commented.

"No, they'd just suspend you for a while." But as she said that, she wasn't really sure if he wasn't right after all. Having done it for the mission was no excuse in the end. And an addict in a job like his would be a liability.

"I don't think so.", he murmured, having a look at the hotel in front of them.

Audrey saw that he was getting ready to go. She reached out for her purse and took a little sheet of paper out. "Here, that's the code for the reception. I made the reservation under my name, Raines. DoD pays the bill."

He thanked her and took it.

Right as he was getting ready to open the door, she called him back. "Jack?"

"Yes?" He turned back to her.

"You're not gonna talk to anyone, am I right?", she hesitatingly asked.

"I don't know what will be in half a year.", he answered. "I wouldn't want anyone at CTU to know." And besides CTU, there was nobody else in his life. He didn't want Kate to know. Judging from how bad their relationship had already become during the past weeks, he guessed that she'd not be part of his life anymore in half a year. He didn't want Kim to know. She was the very last person on earth who he'd want to know about that. But there was nobody else.

Audrey took one of her business cards out of her purse. "Here."

He took the card out of her hand. _Audrey Raines, Department of Defense,_ it said.

"I do understand you, Jack", she silently began, "I don't know why you volunteered for this mission – and to be honest, I would never ever volunteer to go where you're going. I can relate that you wouldn't want anyone at CTU or anyone of your friends to know about it, if you really have to go down that road.", she took a deep breath, "But at least call this number."

It was _her_ number.

"Calling the boss of the boss of my boss?", he derogatorily smiled.

"I'm not anyone's boss. I'm only an advisor to a committee.", she explained, "And I have a secure line."

In the end, he took her card and put it into his pocket, getting himself ready to go. "Thank you for your offer, Ms. Raines.", he told her, as he grabbed his bag.

"Audrey.", she added.

He had already opened up the door, as he turned back once more. "So… thanks, Audrey."

She saw that certain sadness in his eyes. Probably, their conversation had made him think about things in a different way.

"You're not gonna call, are you, Jack?", she asked, as he got out of the car.

He stood there, his bag in one hand, having grabbed the door of the car with the other. Once more, he bent down, looking inside the car.  
His eyes found hers. "I don't know what will be in half a year.", he said once more, hoping that she'd understand it.

"Let's hope for the best.", she answered, after quite a while. "Goodbye, Jack."

He gave her a last smile. "Goodbye, Audrey. Thanks for everything."

As he watched her drive away, the things that she'd said wouldn't let go of him. These few thoughts occupied his whole mind, putting awful pictures into his brain, of how bad this mission could really end.  
He had never really thought it through, until that end.  
Even getting killed had been on his possible list of outcomes.  
But getting home in half a year, being hooked on drugs… probably he had pushed it out of his thoughts, the whole time, not allowing him to give himself a reason why this mission was a bad idea.

He grabbed his bag and went inside, still hearing her words over and over again: _You're not gonna call, are you, Jack?_ Again, she had gotten right to his core. Of course, he wouldn't call her.

.

.


	4. Pre-S3: Phone Call I, DC, LA

_Bauer,_ he said, picking up the phone. It could only be Tony or Michelle, they were the only ones who had that number.

 _Jack?_

He was taken aback, hearing that voice. _Audrey?_

 _Yes._

 _How did you get that number?_ It was a secure line, dedicated solely to their Mexico mission.

 _Agent Almeida gave us that number, so that DoD would have a direct line to the mission headquarters. I'm surprised to hear your voice. I'm just calling to confirm that the line's up._

 _I'll be using this secure line for the next two weeks, then Tony Almeida will have this number throughout my stay down there._

 _Okay_.

They both didn't really know what to say to each other.

 _How's it going?,_ she finally asked. She felt like she was allowed to ask that. _Does everything work out as planned?_

 _Yes,_ he sighed. He'd been running around aimlessly in his small apartment here, packing his things into boxes. The place would officially get evicted a month after his disappearing. Some CTU agents would bring his stuff to a deposit. Now he stopped in front of one of the mirrors, looking at himself. He was just once more shocked how bad he looked like, wearing his hair only a few millimeters short.

 _At what stage of execution are you?_

 _Stage 2 already. All the CTU briefings were completed last week, I already got in contact with one of Salazar's dealers here._ He looked at the vial that stood on his living room table. Pure heroin. He had bought it from that man. This was the good stuff, the expensive one, the DEA hat confirmed. Definitely out of Salazar's line of supply.

 _When will you go undercover?_

 _In two weeks._

 _And how exactly?_

Well, it was a secure line, he could tell her. He guessed that if she'd talk to Tony, she'd ask the same questions. _I'll get myself arrested for drug possession, doing a few days in county jail and I'll fake a getaway during a prisoner transport. That's gonna be my reason to cross the border to Mexico._

She sat in her swivel chair in her office, looking out onto the Potomac river park. _Sounds like a good plan._

There was silence for a while.  
She wanted to ask him so much more.

 _Listen Jack,_ she started, _last time we talked, in the car, I hope that I didn't disturb you too much about all this._

 _No, you didn't. You just got me thinking._

 _Really?_

 _Yap. And that's not even a bad thing,_ he murmured, _I guess I underestimated the chances of really getting in contact with that stuff._

 _Are you thinking of aborting the mission?_ she asked him, but she already knew the answer.

 _No. I talked to a few specialists of the DEA, about how withdrawal symptoms really look like, in case I have to fake some._

 _And?_

 _They can't really be faked. They either have to be real or they cover will blow._

She was taken aback from hearing that. _So… what does that mean?_

 _It means that I have to be even more careful about not getting in contact with that stuff,_ he told her, taking the vial into his hand. _Otherwise they'll kill me right away._

 _Take care,_ she said. She really meant it.

 _I will._

He took a deep breath and put the vial away again.  
He didn't know what to say to her, but he didn't want to hang up either.

There was a big elephant in the room that they didn't dare talk about. Of course there was another chance – he could just take some of the drugs and then he wouldn't even have to fake anything. It would even support his cover.

As he stood there, the vial was screaming at him.

 _Jack?_

 _Yeah?_

 _You should abort the mission,_ she silently said. _It's too risky if you're not even be sure that you can initially maintain your cover story._

 _Is this what you're officially saying in your DoD function?_

 _I'm not saying anything in any DoD function, I'm an advisor only._ She stood up and went over to the window, where she silently added, _officially we're not even supposed to be talking._ She wasn't allowed to talk to him. Protocol said that she should only contact the leading officer – who would be Agent Almeida as head of CTU, and definitely not the operative himself.

 _So, we're off the record?_

 _Yes._

 _Good._ He sighed. He heard a knock at his door. Most likely that was one of the guys who'd help him bring his stuff to the deposit. Hurriedly he grabbed the vial and hid it in one of the cupboards. _Can I call you back, Audrey? Somebody just arrived here._

 _Of course._

They said their goodbyes and he rushed to open the door.


	5. Pre-S3: Phone Call II, DC, LA

As he let himself fall down to the couch, three things were at the coffee table in front of him: the secure phone, Audrey's business card and the vial. He looked around in the apartment, finding it even emptier than before. Nearly all his stuff was already packed up in boxes, ready to be brought away. He had to leave some, unimportant, things back here, like clothes and kitchen supplies, not to attract any attention. Maybe Salazar would send some men to snoop around here.

Today, he had brought away all the stuff that could compromise his cover. The few things that tied him to CTU, or to his past assignments, the family stuff which could compromise Kim.

It was empty here.

When he had arrived back from the deposit, right after he had opened up the door, the vial had started to shout at him again: HERE I AM. I AM HERE. IN YOUR REACH.

He looked at it.

He had all the stuff here, that he'd need. A rubber band, a few needles. He had bought the stuff to hide it here, to support his cover, if anyone of Salazar's men ever came here. They'd expect to find stuff like that here.

Was he insane, really thinking of trying this? Drugs? There had to be a red line, one that he wouldn't cross for the sake of a cover. On what side of the red line was trying drugs?

He grabbed the phone instead and dialed her number. After all, he had promised to call her back.

 _Audrey Raines,_ she spoke, as she picked up.

 _Hi, it's me again,_ he stammered, adding, _Jack… Bauer._ He didn't know how much he'd have to say until she'd recognize his voice.

 _Hey._ She stood up from her chair and went back over to the window. That was her favorite position, for having private or secret phone calls. She'd be out of sight, if anyone opened up the door to her office without knocking. _How are you?_

 _I'm fine. Just cleared out my apartment. They're gonna evict it in one and a half months._

 _Evict it?_

 _Yeah. It wouldn't support my cover story if I still payed the rent for an apartment in LA, though I fled the states, would it?_

 _Right._ She hadn't thought that this cover story would affect his real life so deeply. _Will you get it back, afterwards?_

 _I don't know. I guess not, it's gonna be a normal eviction. Probably someone else will rent it._ He didn't care too much about that place. After Teri's death, he had sold the house and had bought an apartment for Kim. The rest of the money he'd put on a numbered Swiss bank account, far away from anyone's reach. He had taken this apartment because it was quite close to Kim's and far enough away from CTU. But there were no emotional ties to this place. Nothing great had happened here, except for a few nights that he'd spent with Kate.

 _How are you, really?_

The question totally caught him off-guard. _Fine. How else should I be?_

She sighed. _Well, when I talked to you for the last time ... I already expected you to say that you already tried._

 _Tried what?_

 _You know exactly what I mean._

Of course he knew.  
 _No, I didn't,_ he answered. _Really not._

 _I'm glad._

 _Are you?_

 _Yes._

 _What made you believe I already tried it?_

 _The things you said before. You sounded like you were afraid that if you didn't try, your cover would blow._ And furthermore, she knew what execution stage 2 meant. It meant that he had already contacted one of Salazar's dealers, buying drugs. Getting access to the stuff was not the problem anymore.

 _I still am.  
_ He leant back, but kept the vial in sight. It was good to talk to Audrey. He needed someone that he could talk to, and he had nobody else. Talking to someone, he could bring his own thoughts into order again. Michelle, Tony or Chase would abort the mission right away if they knew about his thoughts. Never in his whole life would he want to talk to Kim about that. He had broken up with Kate a week ago. That was not an option either.

 _Then abort the mission Jack, please. Nobody will blame you for that._

 _We never had such a good chance of getting a lead to Uzaghi and his clients._

 _That's not worth ruining your body or getting yourself killed._

 _I've risked my life for less._

Silence. On both ends of the line. They were drowned in thoughts.

He finally told her his thoughts. _The DEA doctor told me that going cold turkey for the first time is worse than the following times. It takes about 15 days to recover while it will only take 4 or 5 days when you do it again._

She could hear what he was really saying with it. _So the Salazar's would have a possibility of finding out whether you were a user or not, by making you go cold turkey and counting the days?_

 _Exactly._

 _Abort the mission, I beg you to do it._

 _No… we will never get those chances again. And the rest of the cover story is perfect._

She stood there, looking out of her window, trying to imagine where he was right now. He was at the other side of the continent, but yet she felt like she was sitting in the same room with him. When she had given him her number, she had actually thought that he'd call her in six months, probably confessing that being undercover had made him become an addict. But she hadn't thought that she'd be talking to him, discussing beforehand whether he should get himself addicted or not. _  
We're insane even to talk about this,_ she said.

 _No, we're not. We're only realistic. A month ago this all seemed so far away that I didn't even see the problem. The closer the date gets that I'll go down to Mexico, the more I realize that I don't even know what's it gonna be like. I listened to all their descriptions but I guess I won't ever know until it happens.  
_ He was't only afraid of the possibility that the Salazar's could make him go cold turkey to count the days. He even feared that they'd find out about his fake right away, when they'd shoot him up for the first time.  
It was not a 'possible scenario' any more. By now, he realized that this was about to happen. No matter if he tried it beforehand or not.

 _They're gonna drug me. That's a sure thing._

She didn't want to repeat herself over and over again, telling him to abort the mission. _Are you gonna let them do it?_

 _Yes. They can't afford to let it go out of control, if I work for them. They'll only test me.  
_ He took a deep breath, finally saying what had been on his mind for the whole day. _I need to know what I'm facing._

 _So you wanna try now?_

He just couldn't get himself to say something like 'yes'. _It would be safer, I guess. I can't afford to get my first high when I'm surrounded by Mexican drug lords, playing the experienced user._

She had never thought that she'd say this. _You sound like you thought this through._ _I can't believe I'm really saying this._

He had to smile when he heard her. _And you're not gonna get DoD to abort the mission?_

 _No. I don't have that kind of power._

 _And you're not gonna call CTU?_

 _No. Scout's honor._

He reached out for the vial and took it into his hands. _I can't believe I'm having this kind of conversation._

 _Me neither._

He looked at the transparent liquid. He'd need to get one of the needles… they were in his bathroom closet. And the rubber band. After a few moments, he had collected everything that he needed and returned to the sofa. _I must be insane,_ he murmured, _to do this. To even think about this._

A laughter escaped her lips. _Yes. Maybe you should step back and think about it once more before you really do this._

 _I probably should._ His heart was in his mouth as he looked at the things on the table, right in front of him.

 _Jack?_ she asked, after they had stayed silent for a while.

 _Yes?_

 _How much are you gonna take?_

 _I don't know. Just a little bit, and if I don't feel anything maybe a little more._

He took one of the needles and unpacked it. It all felt surreal. He grabbed the vial and stung through the rubber top, drawing a little bit of the colorless liquid into the barrel. Another step closer. He put the prepared syringe down on the table, staring at it.

 _What are you doing right now?,_ she asked. He hadn't said anything in such a long time that she feared he had already done it.

 _I just prepared everything._

 _Okay._ Nothing was okay. How could she just watch him do this? _Do you really, absolutely, one hundred percent, think that they will use drugs on you?_

 _Yes._

 _Do you really, absolutely, one hundred percent, think that you need to do this in order to survive that mission?_

 _Yes, I do._

 _I want you to take an hour of time to think about this Jack. You can still abort the mission. We'll find another lead to Uzaghi. Think about it._

He felt his knees shaking when he looked at the needle, and when he thought of going undercover in Mexico.

 _One hour. I'll call you in one hour,_ she said, _don't do anything until then._

 _._

 _._

 _._


	6. Pre-S3: Phone Call III, DC, LA

All tensed up and eager to hear him again, Audrey threw the car keys onto the counter next to her and slipped out of her shoes. She had finished work and driven home as quickly as possible.  
Paul was gone for a business trip for a few days – the house was empty, actually even better than her office, where anyone could just come in any second.

She rummaged through her bag, finally finding the phone. It was ten minutes past seven – she had already missed the 'hour' by ten minutes, getting stuck in traffic.

Hurriedly she searched for his number and called him back.

It took a while until he picked up… as it was ringing, she already feared the worst. Had he already done it? Was he… lying on his sofa, with a needle in his arm, totally wasted, not even able to pick up? It shuddered her to imagine that picture.

 _Bauer._

Thank god, his voice sounded normal.

 _Hi,_ she hesitatingly said.

His face lighted up, hearing her voice. _Hi._ He was out of breath.. his heart still racing.

 _Did you… already make a decision?_

 _I did._

 _And?_

 _I decided to do it._ The magical words were finally out. _It's necessary to get the mission done._ He had to add that kind of a justification, to soothe his racing mind.

 _And… did you do it?_

He took a deep breath and looked at the syringe, that still lay on the table, in front of him. The rubber band was already… or still, around his left biceps, a small red mark in the crook of his arm.  
 _I waited exactly an hour, like you said._

Damnit, she should have called him in time, Audrey thought. Maybe, she could have stopped him to make this mistake. _And then you did it?_

 _I prepared everything… I took the needle and put it in my arm_ He couldn't believe that he was saying this. It made him start to laugh.

Audrey heard it. _What are you laughing about? Are you high now?_

 _No,_ he smiled, _No. I'm not high…. I'm a big coward I guess._

Now she had to smile, too. She imagined him sitting there, the needle in his arm, but afraid to press down on the plunger.

 _I couldn't do it. I just couldn't._ He had tried to inject something, really. Maybe he had even done it – pressing the plunger for a millimeter, getting a homeopathic dose into his system.

She was actually glad to hear that. It showed her, that he was a sane guy – he was still acting like a sane man, and afraid of the right things that people usually had to be afraid of. _I'm glad to hear that,_ she said.

 _I know you are,_ he sighed, _But that doesn't bring me one step further._ His thoughts were still the same like one hour ago. _If I don't try this now I'll probably get killed down there._

 _Why?_

 _They'd see it in the very first second that I've never been in contact with drugs. I heard you quickly adjust higher doses and then your body reacts differently. If I…_

He didn't continue, but she could figure that out on her own. If they gave him a small dose only, they'd immediately see to what doses his body was accustomed to. Or not.

 _I can't fake being sober when I'm not._

Of course he couldn't.

 _What about aborting the mission? You don't have to do this._

 _We'll never get such a lead again. Do you know what we could get, when this works out? Highest level intel on arms trafficking and financing of terrorism. All their business partners, all their network. We hardly ever get a chance to get in there so deep._

 _And you are really willing to pay this kind of a price?_

 _Yes._ He leant back, thinking. Was he really willing? Ten minutes ago, when he had tried to do it, he hadn't been able to.

Audrey feverishly thought of things to say that could make him re-think his decision. _What about the people around you?_

 _Who?_

 _I don't know who. There must be someone, friends, family? Do you really want to do this to them, too?_

 _There is no one._

 _Don't lie to me, Jack, I read it in your file that you at least have a daughter._

Damnit, she was well informed. _We're not very close,_ he sighed, _ever since her mother's death._

Suddenly she realized that there was really nobody in his life. If giving up the place where he lived was no problem for him, if going undercover in a foreign country for half a year would be no problem for him… _Ain't there anyone else?_

 _No._

She couldn't imagine how this kind of a solitude would feel like. Actually, she wanted to ask him why he didn't have any friends or a family that he cared about – but she didn't dare ask. Was he doing this because his life sounded like it was hell already?

He sat there, realizing that it wouldn't be any worse down there, in Mexico. He hated being here, having nothing to do and no sense in his life. Going on missions was the only meaningful thing he'd ever done.

 _I better do this now,_ he murmured.

Audrey felt her stomach cringe, hearing his words. She crouched down, hugging her legs. _I don't know what to say, Jack._

 _You don't have to say anything,_ he answered, _thanks for listening._ He really was glad to hear her voice. Damnit, why? Wasn't he able to make those goddamn decision on his own?

She didn't know what to say right now, anyway. She just listened to the silence, spellbound.

 _I better hang up now_.

 _Okay._ The pictures in her mind were racing wild. She could envision him put down the phone and take the needle that he'd already prepared.  
 _Jack?_

 _Yes?_

 _Will you… tell me how it was, when it's over?_

 _If you want to?_

 _Yes._

 _Okay._ He had a look at the needle on the table. _I'll talk to you later, then._

She wanted to wish him good luck, but he had already hung up. Probably it was better that way. Wouldn't it sound stupid to wish him good luck? She didn't know what else to wish a person about to make that decision.

Audrey stared into the void, sitting in the large, empty house of her and Paul. God, she should have stopped him from doing this! Why hadn't she told him different things? That he could overdose, if he didn't take care? That he could return from Mexico, probably getting an HIV infection if he was doing drugs? Suddenly, the bad things, the ones that she hadn't thought of before, all came into her mind at once.

Maybe it wasn't too late.

She grabbed the phone and called him back.

It started ringing.

 _Please, pick up the phone,_ she prayed, _pick up._

She didn't know how much time had passed, since he had hung up. A few minutes, maybe? Was that enough time to do it? Most likely, yes.

She let it ring. It was a secure phone line – it would ring for two minutes, there was no voicemail.

* * *

Jack heard the noise.

He saw the thing lie in front of him, on the table. One of the buttons was blinking, red, demanding whoever'd see it to do something with it.

His eyes half closed, half opened, he lay at the sofa, staring at the intruder to his perfect world. He couldn't make any sense of it.. and he didn't want to…. he didn't want to move or to do anything.

When it finally stopped ringing, the last thing that tied him to the real world was gone. His eyes slowly closed and the high took over, taking possession of him.

.

.

.

 _Y U No Review?_


	7. Pre-S3: Phone Call IV, DC, LA

She hadn't heard anything of him. Not in hours.  
Around midnight, she had gone to bed, taking the phone with her. He didn't call.  
The wildest thoughts were in her head: had he taken too much, had he overdosed? She fought the wish to call an ambulance and send it over to his address, to have a look after him. She couldn't do that – it would totally ruin his cover. All she could do was to sit here and wait for his call.

When she lay in bed, she couldn't sleep. It was past midnight in Washington – past nine in the evening in Los Angeles. Didn't he call her because he knew that it was already past midnight in her time zone? She hoped that this would be the only reason.

In the morning, when she got out of bed, the first thing was to look at the display of her phone: no missed calls. What a bitter disappointment.

She drove to work and carried the phone always with her, always fighting the urge to call him. In the morning, she hadn't called him because it was three hours earlier in Los Angeles. She couldn't call him in the middle of the night. Common decency forbade her to do that.

And then, she didn't call him because she didn't know where he would be. Would he be at CTU? Coordinating his mission? Or would he be somewhere, already preparing for his cover, meeting people of the Salazar cartel in L.A.?

No, she really couldn't just call him.

She sat in her office, alone, and as the phone started to ring, she almost shrieked.  
It was him.

Hurriedly she picked up. _Hello?_

 _Hi,_ he stammered. Some minutes ago, he had still known what to tell her, but ever since she'd picked up the phone, he was at a loss of words.  
Thank god, she started talking.

 _Where are you?_

 _I'm in the car, just outside the city._ He had parked somewhere close to an exit on route 101, having a beautiful view over the city and the shore from here. _I'm sorry I didn't call you earlier, I had to meet some guys today morning, up in Santa Barbara._ He had bought some illegal weapons there. That was only other step that he'd have to take: getting rid of the CTU guns, which could easily be tracked to the government.

 _Okay…_ she murmured. She was afraid of asking.

He was afraid of starting to talk about it.

They both said nothing to each other for a while.  
He looked out onto the ocean, staring at the waves. _I don't know what to say,_ he finally admitted.

 _And I'm afraid to ask,_ she answered, softly smiling. _I never had such a conversation before._

 _Me neither._

Then, the right question came into her mind: _Do you regret it?_

He took his time answering. _No._

 _Why?_

 _I never thought it'd be anything like this._

 _How was it?_

It was hard to describe. _I knocked myself out for a few hours, I guess._

She added the hours… probably it had been well past midnight in Washington when he'd woken up again. That was the reason why hadn't called her.  
 _How did it feel like?_

He sighed. _Not bad._

 _What?!_ slipped out of her mouth.

He regretted having said that. _Do I sound like a junkie already?_

 _Yes, you do._

 _There are thousands of people out there taking that stuff voluntarily. They wouldn't do it if wasn't making them feel good._

Well, what had she expected him to say? That it would be painful or horrible? No, he was right. Of course it would feel good. It was heroin and not a god damn pain-inducing torture drug.  
 _It's just…_ she started, not knowing what to say. _I guess I just can't imagine how this would be like._

 _I couldn't either, two days ago._

 _And now you can?_

 _A little, I guess. All the things that I read and heard about it… they're a mild understatement. I find no words to describe it._ It had felt like an explosion, a wave of tiredness and feeling well, like a never-ending orgasm.

She heard a knock on her door. It was time to go to the two-o-clock-meeting. She was late already. _I have to go to a meeting… can I call you back?_

 _Of course,_ he answered. If she wanted to? _I'll be home by four o clock. Pacific Time,_ he added, just to be sure.  
He heard her talk to the colleague, who was probably standing at the door to her office. She was telling him that she'd meet him outside, in two minutes.

 _Jack?_

 _Yes?_

 _Will you do it again?_

He was staring out onto the ocean. Would he? He hadn't made up his mind about that yet. _I don't know. Maybe._

 _Why? You reached what you wanted to reach. Now you know what you're facing. Isn't that what you wanted?_

He shook his head, though he knew that she couldn't see it. _No. What I wanted was to increase my tolerance limit._

 _Is that gonna work, in just two weeks time?_

 _Maybe._

She really had to go now, but she didn't want to leave it like that.

Jack heard that her colleague had opened the door again, telling her that they were already late for their meeting.  
 _I'll talk to you later,_ he began, _I also have to go back to CTU now._

 _Okay. Bye._

 _Bye._

Though he actually had to drive on, he stayed at the parking lot, for quite a while, looking out onto the ocean.  
Actually, he had everything here that he'd need, to get himself another shot.  
No, not now. He couldn't afford to knock himself out here in – almost – public, and be late for CTU. And he wanted to wait for the withdrawal symptoms, to experience them. He didn't have any, yet.  
Finally, he drove on, joined route 101 again, to go back to the city center.


	8. Pre-S3: Phone Call V, DC, LA

Audrey took the phone with her, to the bedroom. It was eight o clock now, judging from what Jack had said before, he should be home.  
As she sat down at the bed, she took a minute and thought about all this. Wasn't she insane, doing this? Calling him? Watching him compromise the mission like that? Watching him do that to himself?

She was glad that he was two thousand three hundred miles away and that this was a secure phone line. Nobody would ever know that she had known about this at all.

She had given him her word that she wouldn't call CTU or DoD.  
Well if she hadn't, she guessed, then he would have done the exact same things, but he just wouldn't have told her.

Had his decision been wrong?  
She didn't know.

Was his decision to repeat it wrong?  
Definitely, in her mind.

Hesitatingly she took the phone and called him. She was nearly sure that he'd taken some more by now.

The phone rang for a while, until he answered.

 _Hallo?_

The question if he had taken some more was superfluous. She could hear it in his voice, that he was somehow changed.

 _Aud..ey?_

He sounded drunk. God, he didn't even get her name right.

She wanted to hang up. She didn't want to listen to this. Tomorrow she'd call Tony Almeida, and make him put an end to this all.

 _Audrey, are you there?_ He said again.

 _I am,_ she answered.

 _Why arn't ya sayin anythin?_

Well, why wasn't she? Because it was disgusting, to talk to someone in his state? _You took something again._

 _I did…_ He tiredly rolled to his back. The phone call had woken him up. As he raised his arm to look at his wrist watch, he saw that the needle still stuck in there.  
 _Hold on a second,_ he told her and put the phone aside to pull it out.  
It was five thirty in the evening.

He grabbed the phone again, asking her _Audrey?_

 _Yes?_

 _Good news. It already works._

 _What works?_

 _The same dose knocked me out for over two hours, yesterday night. Now it was only forty five minutes ago._ He was tired. His head was feeling dizzy. He didn't really want to move, but the fact that he was able to talk to her after only forty five minutes gave him an euphoric feeling. Wait… really, was really that the cause?

 _If I had called you yesterday, you would have probably also waken up after 45 minutes,_ she answered.

 _No,_ he snorted with laughter, _never. I barely came to life again some point after midnight._ He couldn't really remember that much. But it had been the intoxication of his life.

 _3 times 6?,_ she asked. It was the only over-the-phone drug test that she could think of.

 _18,_ he laughed. _Too easy._

 _7 times 8?_

 _46_

She had to laugh. _No._

 _What, no?_ He heard her laugh. Maybe it was time to re-think the answer. _48?_

She laughed even harder. _You're completely wasted!_

 _No, I'm not. I just hate the seven times table. Hated it my entire life._

 _You're not honestly telling me that you were never able to solve 7 times 8 without a calculator?_

 _56,_ he finally said. Now he got it. _I always needed a bit longer when it was seven times something._

 _King of weasel words,_ she laughed. She had already wanted to hang up, but somehow, that longing had ceased. It was a different man, who she was talking to, but actually he wasn't that bad, she had to admit. _You're still high as fuck._

 _I'm not. Give me one more chance. One without sevens._

 _Okay,_ she lay in bed smiling. Thank god he wasn't there. What would she do if he lay next to her? In that state? _5 to the power of 3._

She counted the seconds.

 _125_

4 seconds. Actually, that wasn't even that bad. _Approved. 16 to square._ She hadn't even had time to start counting the seconds, as he already gave her an answer.

 _256_

She jumped up from the bed, angry. _You're fooling me, mister!,_ she shouted at him, _You grabbed a calculator!_

 _No, I didn't. I'm still lying in bed… too tired to move, I was even too bushed to switch the lights on._

 _I don't believe you,_ she hissed. She was in rage, even though it was only a meaningless banter. _You can't solve 16 square in under two seconds when you're not able to do 7 times 8._

 _I am,_ he closed his eyes. God, he loved to hear her voice, even when she was upset. He owed her an explanation. _16 square is the same like two to the power of four, which is 16, to the power of 2. Multiply the exponents and it says 2 to the power of 8._

 _And why the hell should 2 to the power of 8 be easier to solve than 16 square?_

 _Because base 2 is binary. 2 to the power of 8 is the basic value of the 256bit encryption. Everyone who has had to do something with encryptions knows what 2 to the power of 8 is._

Her anger had settled down. He wasn't sober, she could still hear that in his voice. But his explanation was credible. She went downstairs, into her office.

Jack heard that she was doing something. He couldn't tell what.  
After she didn't say anything for a while, he got curious, _are you still there?_

 _Yeah._

 _What are you doing?_

She hated to admit it.  
She was sitting at her home office table, having grabbed a calculator, typing 2^8 and 16^2. He was right. Both were the same, 256. _Just checking something,_ she murmured.

Finally, he realized what she was doing.

She heard him burst into laughter.

 _What?!,_ she asked, but he wouldn't stop. _What!_

He was sure that at the point when she'd told him to solve 16 square, she had neither known the answer herself, nor had she ever thought he'd be able to do it.

 _Now who's intoxicated, huh?,_ he finally asked.

 _Shut up,_ she hissed, switching the light in her office off, walking back up to her bedroom. _So you're not. You successfully proved that._

 _Good._ He lay back. He felt good. No, he felt great. Were it the drugs? Or was it talking to her? He didn't know.  
He lay there, eyes closed, and all he wanted to do was to continue this. He wanted to tell her that he loved talking to her. That he loved to hear her voice.

But in the end, he didn't.  
He couldn't tell her.  
She was DoD. She was involved in the approval of this mission. She was married. He was breaking all his ties to go undercover. She was in so many ways off-limits that he actually shouldn't talk to her at all.

But in the end, he couldn't just hang up either.

 _How much did you take?_ He heard her ask him.

He didn't even know the number by heart. _Hold on,_ he said, and rolled over to switch on the lights. He found the syringe lying somewhere on the bed, next to him.  
 _zero point 5…_ he started to read, _milliliters._

 _As if I knew how much that was_ Audrey said. She wasn't used to the metric system.

He was neither, therefore he hadn't remembered the number. _Imagine a small syringe. It says three as a maximum. I was a zero point five._

 _And yet it knocked you out for 45 minutes?_

 _Yes._ He put the syringe away and looked at the spot on his arm. A small bruise had formed around the spot where he'd stung into the vein. He needed to be more careful. He couldn't run around, looking like this. _Maybe I could have been up earlier… if you had called earlier._

 _Maybe.  
_ Audrey sat back down on her bed. It was so strange to have such a conversation.

 _I have to increase by tomorrow._

 _How much?_

 _Zero point 75,_ he said. He counted the days until he'd go undercover. No, he had to do more. _No, one._

 _Where's the limit for an overdose?_

 _Five or six, I guess. Later, maybe more._

She wondered how unemotionally and factually he talked about this. She would have been wrong to call Tony Almeida to call the mission off. Jack had this under control. He was not shooting up to feel better. He was technically increasing the dose and watching the time that it'd take him to get functional again.  
 _Shall I call you again, tomorrow?,_ she silently asked him.

He couldn't help but smile, as he heard her words. _Yes… would be great,_ he silently spoke.

 _Same time?_

 _Okay._

 _Okay._


	9. Pre-S3: Phone Call XIII, DC, LA

**One week later.**

Jack grabbed the phone and took it with him, as he went into the bedroom. He carefully locked the door to the apartment and the door to the bedroom, since he'd be defenseless for the coming hours.

He pulled the curtains closed and put the things to the bedside table. The vial, the phone, a new syringe and the rubber band. After taking off his shirt, he examined his left arm. It looked horrible. He could see numerous spots where he'd stung the needle into his skin, some had a bruise around them, when he'd stung through the vein or had missed it somehow. The bruises needed longer to heal. The other spots were gone within a day or two.  
In the past few days, he had improved his technique. No more fresh bruises.

He slowly sat down and tied the rubber band around his upper arm. The past days had showed him how important it was to do this. He needed to be able to shoot up without getting himself bruised. He needed to be able to do the simple things – like fixing that rubber band round his arm, without looking clumsy or inexperienced.

The past week had given him back his confidence.

He took the vial and drew two milliliters into the syringe. The vial was almost empty by now, but that didn't matter. Tomorrow, he'd get a new one.

He had a look at his wristwatch. Four minutes to five.  
He wanted to be precise. Five o clock. Audrey would call at five twenty.

Making sure that she phone wasn't set to mute, he lay down, placing it next to him.

She was the only one who knew.  
She was the only one he talked to, at all.  
During the past week, his contacts with CTU had become less and less. He was slowly drifting over to the 'undercover' mode, communicating with them only through the back channels that they'd opened for him.  
But he talked to her, every evening.

Tomorrow morning, he'd have to give Tony the phone, the secure line. No more calling Audrey.  
It made him sad to think about that.  
He'd miss talking to her, he knew that already. Down in Mexico. But now, now that he had really become hooked on that stuff, that was just one more thing on the list, that actually parted him from her. He already felt the first withdrawal symptoms, he'd had them for an hour or two already. Two more minutes.

Within the past week, he had successfully increased his tolerance limit. From 0.5 to 1, to 1.5, then to 1.75 and ever since three days he was at 2 milliliters. And at the same time, the time that it knocked him out got shorter and shorter. In the beginning, he had been at 45 minutes, then at 30, and even though he was still increasing the dose, the time until he'd be back up from the initial rush was decreasing.

She had said that she'd call him at five twenty. If he didn't answer the call, once more, at five twenty five. Afterwards, she'd tell him the time when she believed him to be sane again.  
Why was she even doing this for him?  
He knew, he didn't deserve it, but he needed her help to do this. He could only hold this under control if there was one clean person watching him, telling him about the effects that the drugs had on him.

It was five o clock. Time to go.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 _Hey_

 _Hey…_

 _Jack?_

 _u-hm_

 _how're you feelin?_

 _Greeeeeat…_ Come on, get a grip of yourself, talk normally! _Is this … first or … second call?_

 _The first one._ She smiled. Yesterday, he'd answered at the first call, but he hadn't really been able to say one word. Today, he was in a better shape. _I'm proud of you._

He smiled, lying there, his eyes still closed. He didn't know why he was smiling, but something was wrong in what she'd said. Had it been a joke? _Thanks_

 _What's 7 times 8?_

 _56,_ he answered, smiling widely. He didn't have to work it out in his head – he knew the answer by now, by heart. She always asked him the same question, every day, like a running joke. Probably he'd be able to answer 7 times 8 in an even worse state, from now on.

 _Can you stand up?  
_ He wouldn't stand up voluntarily, in that state. But she had to challenge him.

 _No._

 _Try it._

Obediently, he followed the orders that the friendly voice gave him. He rolled over, getting to his hands and knees, then he climbed off the bed.

A few seconds later, Audrey heard something rumble. _Jack?_

He didn't answer.

 _Jack?_ she asked again.

It took a while until he found the phone, that had slipped out of his hands. _hey_

 _What's going on?_ she asked.

He was sitting at the floor, next to the bed. It had been too early, to try to stand up. Somehow, his knees had given in. He crawled over to the nearest wall and leant against it.

 _Are you alright?_

 _Yeah, I am._

 _Where are you?_

 _I'm sitting on the floor._

She could still hear it in his voice- it sounded strange. But with every other minute, he recovered more and more. In a few minutes, he'd almost be back to normal. Maybe ten minutes more and he'd be able to move his body like nothing had happened. Watching his progress over the course of the past week, she had really learned a lot about drug intoxication. And she guessed that he had learned the same things, treasuring them as his life-insurance, when he'd go down to Mexico.  
His aim had been to reach a dose of two milliliters, which wouldn't knock him out for more than half an hour. They had almost reached that point.

She gave him a few more moments, before she asked _Jack?_

 _Yes?_

 _Who are you working for?_ She had started a few days ago, to ask questions which they'd might ask. He needed to answer the right things, even in an intoxicated state.

 _Nobody._

 _Wrong. You work for CTU._

 _No._

 _But you have worked for CTU._

 _Long time ago._

 _Are you still an agent?_

 _No._

 _Stop lying._

 _I'm not lying._

 _When was the last time you worked for CTU?_

 _Two and a half years ago._

 _Wrong, we know that you worked for them in July._

 _Only for a day._

 _Still, you lied._

 _That day doesn't count._

 _Well, it does. You lied._

 _No, I didn't._

 _Why did you go back for that one day?_

 _Bad mistake._

 _I asked you why!_

 _They wanted me to find a nuke in L.A. I didn't want my own ass to get blown up._

 _You could have left the city._

 _Yes._

 _Why didn't you just leave the city?_

 _My daughter was still in the city._

 _So you have a daughter?_

 _Yes._

 _Where is she?_

 _None of your business._

 _We know that she's working for CTU._

 _And?_

 _Aren't you proud of her?_

 _Why?_

 _That she's working for the government?_

 _I told her not to. She wouldn't listen. She doesn't even talk to me._

 _I don't believe you._

 _Better do._

 _Why doesn't she talk to you?_

 _None of your business._

 _Answer the question!_

 _She hates me._

 _Why does she hate you._

 _She holds me responsible for the death of her mother._

 _Are you?_

 _Yes._

 _Why did you come here?_

 _There are charges waiting for me. Had to leave the states._

 _What charges?_

 _Possession. Prison break._

 _Prison break? Why?_

 _I got away during a transport._

 _What had you been in jail for?_

 _Possession._

 _Possession makes you go in for a year only. You wouldn't be so stupid to run from a one-year sentence._

 _Nobody puts me in prison._

 _Why?_

 _None of your business._

 _Your name is Jack Bauer, is that right?_

 _Yes._

 _You are a federal agent._

 _No._

 _You have been a federal agent._

 _Yes._

 _You will be a federal agent again._

 _No._

She hated to question him like that. But after all, he did quite well. He made no mistakes, though she could tell that his brain was still heavily influenced. Sometimes, he had been slow to answer some of these questions – especially the unpleasant ones, the ones about his daughter and about the death of his wife – but now the answers came, quickly and above all, correctly.

 _Stand up._ She ordered him.

He tried once more, holding on to the cabinet next to him. It worked, this time. He wondered, how much time had passed… _what's time?_

 _28 minutes past five,_ she said, looking onto her wristwatch.

He made a few steps, it worked. He went over to the only window in here, looking outside. The parking area in front of the building was still empty. Nobody in sight. That was good.  
Tiredly, he pulled the curtains closed again and went back to the bed.

She wanted to give him a few more minutes to recover. _You did well,_ she silently said, referring to the questions.

He had a look at his wristwatch. Now it was five thirty. He was up on his feet again, and there was no new bruise in the crook of his arm. _We made it,_ he sighed.

 _Yes._ She didn't know what else to say. He had reached his goal.

He heard cars honking, on her end of the line. _Where are you?_

 _I'm at a parking lot, somewhere downtown._ It was Nine thirty in the evening. Pretending to drive to her favorite Chinese take-away restaurant had been the only option to get out of the house, without drawing Paul's attention.  
Thank god, Jack didn't ask her any questions about it.

They had talked, every night, the whole week long. They both knew the mission plan – and, that it would be their last conversation, tonight.

 _Where will you be tomorrow night?_ she finally asked.

 _In county jail. I'll meet Tony in the morning to say my final goodbye and then I'll drive to Pacoima, to buy some drugs. Police will arrest me there._

 _Take care_ she breathed. She wanted to tell him so much more, but she didn't dare to. She wanted to tell him that she really admired him, for everything that he was doing, and especially for _how_ he was doing it.

 _I will_ he softly answered. The tone of her voice had said so much more than her words. He hoped that she'd hear him as well. _I owe you a lot, Audrey._

 _No, you don't._

 _I do. But me no buts._

Even when she wasn't saying anything, he loved to know that she was there, somewhere, with the phone in her hands, listening.

 _So… I guess this is goodbye,_ she said. She was glad that he wasn't here, in the car. So he didn't see that a silent tear ran down her cheek.

 _Yeah, I think so._

 _Well then… bye, Jack._

 _Bye, Audrey.  
_ He didn't know if he'd ever see her or ever talk to her again. He didn't have the heart to hang up. And so didn't she. For some endless minutes they were on the line, but no-one said anything.

 _So you'll go cold turkey, tomorrow?_ she finally asked.

He smiled when he heard her voice again. She was prolong their conversation, by any means. _No, I'll smuggle a pack of methadone into there._

 _What if they take it away from you?_

 _They have orders not to. From CTU._

 _What?!_

He smiled, and lay down again. He still felt tired, and bushed. _I'll use them to trade with some other inmates. To get some contacts to the Mexican scene._

 _And you'll use a few of them for yourself,_ she commented.

 _Yeah. You know… I can now even do it with them watching… they know government protocol. They'll be sure by then that I'm no federal agent, when I'm… you know, sharing my drugs with them._

She had to admit that he was right. _Are you feeling better than a week ago?_

 _In what way?_

 _I remember, when we first talked, you were worried that your cover could blow any moment down there._

 _I know._

 _Are you still?_

He took his time answering, thinking about it. Finally, he said _no._

 _Really? One hundred percent sure?_

 _Yes.  
_ He had his self-confidence back. Either, it were the drugs, or it was the mere fact that the only thing, that had really threatened him: that he'd have a weak spot – was gone. _I don't have that blind side any more._

She answered nothing, after noticing that he was in the right mind-set to go. One day before the start of his mission, she swore to herself, she wouldn't bombard him with the doubts that she still had. Now there was no back any more, and all she could still do for him was to bolster him up, not discomfort him.  
 _Promise me one thing._

 _What?_

 _That you'll come back in one piece._

He had to smile, hearing that. _I'll give my best. I'm not suicidal, Audrey._

 _Thank god, you're not,_ she sighed. She had to say this, _I'll call Tony Almeida every once in a while to make sure you're still okay._

 _That's unfair._

 _Why?_

 _You'll get to know about me, but I won't hear anything about you._

She smiled when she heard that. She would have wanted to ask him why he was even interested in hearing something about her – but she already knew the answer. He cared about her. Damn it, she couldn't let this conversation get down that road.  
 _I'll be okay, Jack… what the hell could happen to me?_ she said, instead. _Falling from my swivel chair is the worst option._

She made him laugh. _I'm glad to hear that._ Really, what had he been thinking, when he'd said that…? bad mistake. Don't let this get too personal.

 _Jack…._ she started.

He was afraid that she'd say something that would finally make their conversation get personal, the one thing that he really wanted to avoid. But that tone in her voice… it said so much more than only his name, he could hear it that she cared about him, and his wellbeing.

 _Yes?_

 _I .. don't know… what to say_ she stammered.

 _It's okay. I don't know either._

Silence came back, for a while.

 _Listen Audrey, I have daughter, her name is Kim._

 _I know._

 _Yeah, right. She works at CTU._

 _I know._

He took a deep breath. _If anything happens to me,_ he began –

 _No!_ She couldn't stand to hear that.

 _Yes. If anything happens to me,_ he started again, _would you tell her I love her?_

She had lost the fight against the tears by now. _Jack, please…_

 _You don't have to, if you don't want to. … it'd be probably hard for you to explain anyway, why you'd be doing that_.  
Nobody knew about their conversations. _Bad idea, let's drop it._

 _Okay._

He lay there, eyes closed. _Are you crying, Audrey?_

She sniffed, _no._

 _Liar._

 _Caught me._

 _Please, stop crying,_ he whispered, _there's nothing to cry about. You won't have to talk to Kim anyway. I'll be back._

 _Really?_

 _Chances are good. Really god._ It was no lie. _My new cover story is way better than the old one. It's so far off CTU protocol that they'll never me to be an agent._

She had to smile, hearing that.

 _You saved my life,_ he tonelessly added.

A cold shower ran up and down her spine. _I didn't do anything._

 _If it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't have had any second thoughts._

 _So it was me, who got you hooked on drugs?_

 _No. But talking to you reminded me of the real chances. I guess when I talked to CTU, we were so stuck on the protocol, that we disowned reality._ That was it. Finally he had found the right words to tell her. _You were the only one who I could honestly talk to. Without any sugarcoating._

She didn't say anything.

 _Thank you,_ he silently added. He was so glad that she wasn't here. Probably he'd hold her and never let her go. He would have wanted to tell her so much more- that he found she was a great person, that she had a mighty good heart, that he admired her for making her own choices and not always follow protocol… but he didn't. It wouldn't lead them anywhere, and it would sound like a final goodbye that he didn't want to tell her.

 _It was an honor to me,_ she finally said. It really was. _Take care of yourself._ She ended the call, suddenly, before bursting into tears. Not one more word. She wouldn't have been able to take one more word of him.  
She sat in the car, the phone in her hands, but she unwillingly had to cry.

What the hell was she crying about?  
She couldn't find an answer to it. But nevertheless, she felt endlessly sad now. It felt like there was a stone inside her, pulling her down. And she feared that this feeling wouldn't go away for quite a while.

.

.

.

 _AUTHOR'S NOTE:  
_ _WE'RE GONNA JUMP TO 'AFTER DAY 3' NOW!_


	10. Post-S3: Day 1, Washington DC

_i would like to dedicate this chapter to 'carolarized' - my most faithful reader out there. Thanks, I wouldn't still be writing J/A if it wasn't for you._

.

SIX MONTHS LATER  
TWO WEEKS AFTER DAY 3

.

.

* * *

Hurriedly Jack grabbed the few things on his bedside table and stuffed them into his bag again. Well, actually he didn't have to hide any more, right? Nevertheless, he didn't want these things to lie around openly, nor he wanted anyone to see them.  
Seeing the pity in their eyes, when they'd look at him… like he needed that.

He jumped off the bed and ran over to the door. For sure, it was Michelle, she had wanted to come over to give him one of the tickets for the return flight to Los Angeles tomorrow.  
They had been here in D.C. for only one day, for a DoD debrief, but he was glad that it only was one day.  
Tiredly he opened up the door, ready to be short with her. Her attitude towards him had changed a lot, ever since she knew he was addicted.

He froze.  
It was not Michelle, out there.

It was Audrey.

They stood there, for a few moments, not knowing what to say. He hadn't seen her or talked to her in over five months.

She watched him, through the small gap, his face behind the door chain. She had seen him at DoD today morning, but probably he hadn't seen her in the crowds. Ever since she wasn't an advisor to the intelligence committee any more, she had lost track of him and his mission.  
It had been over five months, since she'd talked to him for the last time.

"You didn't call.", she silently said, looking into his eyes.  
For a moment, she wondered if it had been a mistake to come here. It hadn't been that hard for her to find out where he was. They had rooms at Cliffside Regent's hotel again, their standard hotel for DoD guests. She had made so many reservations here during the past years that she could get any information from the reception that she wanted.

Today, as she had seen him at DoD, she had been shocked about how different he looked like. His face was tanned by the Mexican sun. He hair looked brighter. He looked skinnier than half a year ago, probably that was a toll that the addiction had taken.

He closed the door for a short moment and removed the chain, still not having said a word.

She found him wearing a pair of faint blue-jeans and a grey T-shirt. Somehow, that fit him better than wearing a suit, like today morning at DoD.

"When the mission was over", he admitted, finally. "They found out on their own."

The words he said felt like he was saying them as an excuse. Well, were they? Actually they were. She remembered giving him her number to have at least someone to talk to, since he wanted to tell nobody else.  
They had found out.  
Actually, he had had no need to call her.

"So I heard.", she slightly nodded her head.

"Sorry. But there are so many ugly details of this mission that I can't talk about."

"No need to apologize.", she sighed. What had she expected? "How are you?"

He looked up, into her eyes, sadly smiling. "Next question, please." He wanted to ask her why she was here, but he didn't have the heart to do it. Would it drive her away? Most likely. Did he want to drive her away? He wasn't sure about that. Actually he just wanted to go back inside to finish what he'd started: getting a fix.

"Have you eaten anything today?", she asked.

He slightly shook his head. "I'm not hungry."

She could see that he had lost a lot of weight over the course of the past months. There was no gram of fat anywhere on him anymore. But she guessed that it didn't make him stronger. Right now, she wasn't really sure if he'd pass the DoD fitness test once more. Aside of the muscles of his arms and his chest, he almost looked skinny. She could see his contours through the grey t-shirt that he was wearing.

"Audrey, I don't want your pity.", he finally said, after getting confirmed that none of them knew what to say.

"You really think I pity you?"

"Why else would you be here now?", he asked her. He wanted to talk to nobody about this all. Not about the things that had happened in Mexico, and not about anything that had to do with his addiction. As long as she had been the voice on a phone, the thought of talking to her had been bearable. But not now, facing her in person.

"I haven't seen or heard anything from you in months, Jack.", she began, unsure how to continue, "I just wanted to see how you are."

He derogatorily grunted. "You already knew how I'd be, it seems like the whole DoD knows about it." Wherever he came, he found the same view in these people's eyes. He hated their pitiful looks.

She slightly nodded her head, _yes_. "I was with you when you started to walk down this road, Jack, five months ago."

He looked into her eyes. Her view was different that all the others'.

"Ever since I saw you today morning, I was wondering if I made a big mistake ever letting you do this mission.", she murmured. She had known it months ago, that he had started to become addicted. She could have used that information at any time to halt the mission. "I guess I shouldn't even have let you go down that road in the first place."

He took a deep breath and leant against the wall next to the door, his hands in his pockets.

She spotted the tattoo on his left forearm and somehow her view got lost on the crook of his arm. _Don't stare at it,_ she damned herself and looked up into his eyes again.

The soft smile on his face told her that he had already caught her staring. And for now, it almost felt okay.

"I missed you at the committee hearing today.", he said, "I thought I'd meet you there."

"I don't work for the committee anymore.", she sighed, "Ever since the elections. I'm a policy advisor to the Secretary of Defense now."

"Wow, sounds like a mighty promotion." He was surprised to hear that, but judging from what he'd seen of her work, she deserved it. "Congratulations."

She saw the smile on his face and unwillingly had to smile back. It was not faked. And it got into her mind that he'd meant what he'd said. He didn't know that the Secretary of Defense was her father… and one of the reasons for the promotion.  
"Thanks.", she answered. He was genuinely happy for her. But she didn't even dare ask about his job status. Probably the answer wouldn't be nice to hear. "Clearance level 9 now", she added, halfway smiling, "There's nothing anymore that we couldn't talk about.", she joked.

She made him laugh.  
He stood there, wondering when he had laughed like that for the last time.  
He couldn't even remember.

It was rude to leave her standing out here, in the hallway. Then again, he didn't want to go down to the bar or to the restaurant to talk to her. Too many people who'd see them.  
Though he knew how strange it was to say that to her, he let the door to his room swing open a little bit, asking her, "Wanna come in?"  
Was he really inviting a woman, a stranger to him, a senior advisor to the Secretary of Defense into his hotel room? He saw the surprised look in her eyes.  
"We shouldn't discuss clearance level 9 details out here… or anywhere else", he added, like an excuse. He was relieved when he saw a little smile on her face.

"Okay.", she finally murmured, watching him give the door another push, walking past him, into the room.

He eyed her from head to toe, as she walked past him. She wore a dark red skirt, an elegant blouse, shoes that looked like they cost a few hundred Dollars. An expensive handbag hung over her shoulder, and in her right hand she had a small bag that she put down on the coffee table in front of the couch, over by the window.

Jack closed the door again and went over to her, watching her back, while she was looking out of the 7th floor window, waiting for him.  
It had been a while, since he had encountered such a classy woman for the last time. He reminded himself to treat her adequately – and get some distance to the things that he had done in the past months, undercover with those drug lords. That were two different worlds.

"What's in there?", he asked, pointing at the bag that she had put down on the coffee table. The way she'd put it there, it looked like she wanted him to have a look at it.

"Have a look.", she answered, and sat down at the couch. It was a decent hotel room. Not as good as the ones that she usually stayed in, but there was enough space, this couch with a coffee table and two leather armchairs, another table, a large bed and from over here she could see a really decent bathroom at the other end of the room.

He opened up the bag and found a few boxes of Chinese take-away food.

"You look like you haven't eaten anything in days, Jack", Audrey commented, taking one of the boxes and a set of chopsticks out of the bag for herself. "You should grab something."

"I already said I'm not hungry.", he murmured.

They both knew that it was one of the side effects of being on heroin. That had also been one of the first side-effects that he had noticed, half a year ago. Completely losing one's appetite. He remembered talking to her about it.

Audrey resolutely grabbed one of the soups and put it down in front of him. "You look like death warmed up already.", she said to him, "You're gonna need some strength to go through all this."

Finally, he grabbed the spoon and ate a little bit, silently watching her.  
Had she planned this beforehand, coming in here? Couldn't be. Had she just wanted to bring him something to eat? Well, possible, but unlikely. He counted the boxes – there were way enough for two persons. Had she initially bought that stuff for herself and her husband, and had changed her plans when he had asked her in?  
He sneaked a peek at her hands. She didn't wear the wedding ring any more. But he didn't dare ask her about it.

They ate in silence, for a while.  
From time to time, they glanced at each other, and whenever one of their glances caught the other's, they quickly looked away again, smiling, after it had happened for the third time.

"Thanks for dinner, Audrey.", Jack finally said, as he put down the empty bowl.

"Was it that bad, to eat something?", she remarked.

He shook his head. "No, absolutely not."

She grabbed herself another one of the boxes, not quite sure if she should also force him to eat one more. "I read about it. That doing heroin makes you lose your appetite.", she silently said. Then she grabbed one of the other boxes and put it down in front of him. "I got that confirmed when I saw you today morning at DoD."

Surprised, he first looked at her, then down on himself. "Really? Do I look that bad?" He hadn't really noticed the difference. Well, he had noticed that he was a bit slimmer than a few months ago, but it had happened gradually. He hadn't worried that much about it.

"Yeah", she tried to soft-soap the bad facts with a big smile. "You changed a lot, Jack. Probably you didn't even notice."

"How would you know, Audrey?", he silently answered, as he opened up that second box that she'd put down in front of him. Reluctantly, he dove a pair of chopsticks into the rice. "You only saw me for two days, half a year ago."

Her eyes found his. "And there were quite a few phone calls.", she added. The things that they'd talked about, they had at some point become deeply personal. She felt like she knew the one sitting over there, he was no stranger, even though she had only seen him briefly, half a year ago, during a few meetings.  
Actually, she had to admit that she had eagerly been awaiting his return. And the call that he hadn't made.  
Even though changing jobs at DoD, she had kept track of his mission, and she had really prayed that he'd come back in one piece. She had talked to Tony Almeida, every two weeks, pretending to get regular updates for the intelligence committee. While the committee couldn't have cared any less about that mission.

He turned back to the rice. He was aware that he had told her some things about himself that he had told nobody else. Partly, because there had been nobody else, partly, because he had been high as fuck during some of their conversations.  
"I shouldn't have put you in that position.", he apologized, "To tell you all that and ask you to remain silent, though it compromised the mission… and even your job. I'm sorry."

"You really think I was worried about my job?", she asked, looking into his eyes. "I was worried about _you_."

They sat in silence.  
He felt like she was looking right into his soul again. Within a few minutes only, she had again managed to get straight to his innermost core, exposing some of his thoughts and feelings that he usually kept locked away.

Embarrassedly, she turned to her food again. She felt like she had gone too far, saying that. It was too personal, and she didn't want this to get personal.  
She watched him pick at the rice. The bites that he took became smaller and smaller. At one point, she felt bad for still pushing him like that. He was a grown man. "Leave it, if you're not hungry anymore.", she murmured, "Sorry for compelling you to eat."

He gladly put the box with the rice down on the table, still staring at it.

"I can't imagine how this feels like.", she sighed, looking at him. "Don't you feel any need to eat?"

He kept staring at the box with rice. "Sometimes, I do.", he told her, taking one of the chop sticks, playing around with it. "I guess it's not only the drugs that take your appetite away. It's also the thought of the hours thereafter."

She saw that sad view in his eyes, when he remembered things. "Why?"

"When the withdrawal symptoms start… one of the first things is that your stomach's gonna be mighty upset. And you don't want anything to be in there, that'll come up again.", he said, thinking of how long it would take him to see this rice again. Five hours, maybe six? "Unless you get another fix first."

He saw that she had stopped eating.  
Probably because of his graphic description of one of the worst sides of being an addict. Embarrassedly, he apologized. "I shouldn't have said that while you were still eating."  
He reminded himself again of who was here: she was not one of Salazar's cartel, she was not a cheap Mexican whore or a junkie or a dealer. He better mind his manners and his choice of words.

Demonstratively, she ate some more. "It's okay."

The more he talked and thought about his drug problem, the bigger his wish to get another fix grew. He'd have to throw her out for that… but he didn't want to. It was nice to have some company.  
So he decided to postpone the fix until he could really wait no more. Maybe they had an hour or even two left.

"It seems you know all about me, Audrey", he began, "And I know hardly anything about you."

She wondered. Normally, this question would make her feel uncomfortable. Especially, when a man was asking it. But right now, it was different. Was it because getting anywhere closer to him was clearly off limits, having admitted being a junkie, and they both knew that?

"Didn't you run my name through the CTU database?"

He slightly shook his head _no_ , looking softly into her eyes. "I don't wanna read some impersonal, unimportant stuff in a file. It usually doesn't depict the person correctly."

She thought back to when she had read his file, half a year ago. Well, she had had to read his file, there hadn't been much of a choice, since she had to get prepared for the committee hearing. An ex- Delta-force member, CIA and CTU agent, close to one hundred and eighty confirmed kills. Reading that file she hadn't actually ever wanted to be in on room with such a horrible man.  
"I know what you mean.", she answered.

"You do?"

"Yeah. I had to read your file, half a year ago.", she answered, halfway smiling.

It drew a smile off his face, too. "Holy shit.", he remarked and leant back into chair that he was sitting at.

They both just laughed and decided to say nothing.

"I tried to read it once…", Jack began, "I got drowned in a bottle of whiskey before I even reached the end." It had been sickening to read about himself. About all the missions, about all the losses of friends.. about Teri. About factual reports of injuries, knowing how much they had all hurt.

She watched him closely. He didn't look like a killer, as he sat there, in a comfortable position, running his hand through his blonde hair from time to time, still having a faint smile on his face.

"Why did you start doing that kind of stuff?", she asked.

 _Kind of stuff._ He knew what she meant with this. "I got the offer when I was in ranger training. And I took it.", he said, "Being asked to join Delta forces was an honor, one that you simply don't turn down."

"And why did you join the forces at all?"

He looked up, into her eyes again. Well, it was something that his file didn't tell. "Why did you join DoD?", he asked her back.

"I was first to ask!", she complained.

"You'd be a great interrogator", he commented, making them both laugh.

She knew why they were both laughing. It was what his file said about him.  
As they had settled down, after white a while, he silently answered, "I guess I just wanted to get as far away from my family as possible."

"From your wife?"

"No. From my father", he shook his head, "I joined forces years before I got married." He looked at her beautiful face again, saying "You're really good at interrogating me. I asked you ten minutes ago and I still don't know anything about you."

She smiled. "What do you wanna know?", she asked, slipping her feet out of her high heels, to pull her legs up to the couch.

He saw that she wasn't minded to leave anytime soon. She was expecting their conversation to go on for a while, otherwise she wouldn't have settled to sit in this comfortable position.

"Do you have children?" It was a less blunt question than to ask directly about her marriage.

"No. And you?"

"I have a daughter.", he answered. She was turning the Q&A already around again. "Come on, you already knew that. We talked about her." She was just trying to wind herself out of telling him anything about her.

She nodded _yes_.

"And it's still my turn to ask."

Audrey sighed, smiling. She knew he refrained from asking her any too personal questions, because he didn't want to go down that road. She slid a little bit closer, to the end of the couch that was closest to the chair he was sitting at. "I'm not saying anything. You'll have to interrogate me, Agent Bauer.", she laughed.

"You wouldn't want me to do that." He smilingly looked into her eyes. God, she was gorgeous. He didn't know when he'd had such an easy going conversation for the last time. And her, having clearance level 9, definitely helped. He could talk about anything and everything, that was a real change.  
He could never do any harm to her. He could never interrogate her, like he did with others. Deep down he knew that it would always be her, in charge of him.

"Do you have a gun here?", she asked.  
He shook his head.  
"Sodium Amytal?", she carried on asking.  
Again he shook his head.  
"Then you have nothing to interrogate me with.", she joked, leaning back.

"Give me your hand.", he ordered, leaning over to her.

Hesitatingly she leant over, too, and stretched out her left hand, to let him take it. First, he laid his fingers over hers, and then made her bend her fingers, almost as if to clench her fist. But he kept his hand around hers.  
She was wondering what he was trying to show her.

He looked into her eyes. "What do I owe you for dinner?", he asked.

"Nothing."

It was exactly the answer that he had expected. He started pressing the ball of his hand against her fingertips. Not that much that he'd really hurt her, but her reaction showed him that she could feel where this was leading them, that he could interrogate her easily, _his way_.

"What do I owe you for dinner?", he asked again, trying to bite back the laughter, but it was hard.

"Nothing", she still teased him, but her features showed that she was feeling something in her fingers, just the smallest hint, telling her that this grasp could become painful.

He didn't want to exercise any more pressure. "You know that I've not even started to press you. But I could", he remarked, going there, just for a part of a second.

"But you never would", she dared him, roguishly grinning.

She was right. He never would do anything like that. "It seems you win.", he eased his grip around her fingers, until they just loosely lay in his hand. "No, actually I win. I got a free dinner."

"Stalemate?", she asked, laughingly.

"Okay."

Then she settled back into her comfy position on the couch.

Finally, Jack realized why he was so comfortable being here: she didn't treat him like all the others did. She didn't make his addiction the only topic they were talking about, she just treated him like a normal person, like any other man she'd talk to.  
He guessed that she was the only one who still treated him like that.

He finally dared to ask what he had wanted to ask her the whole time. "Ain't there anyone home, waiting for you to return?"

She hugged her legs, shaking her head. "No." Saying that somehow made her sad, but then again, it was a feeling of pure freedom. "Not anymore." It had been three weeks since they had separated.

Jack watched her. She was drowned in thoughts, but these thoughts didn't seem to be only bad ones. "Must have been a damn idiot.", he remarked.

"Who? My husband?", she was surprised to hear that.

He nodded his head, slightly. "To let someone like you go."

She sat there, watching him. She answered nothing. It felt good to hear these words, but then again, she didn't know what to respond. Any other man would have probably leant over to kiss her now, or expected her to do that, but he didn't.  
They both silently sat there, knowing that there were whole worlds, separating their lives. She as a top-level politician. He had just come out of hell, being undercover with a Mexican drug cartel.

"What's his name?", Jack asked, to resolve that awkward silence.

"Paul. Paul Raines. An English businessman.", she sighed.

"Mr. Bean's an idiot.", he remarked. "Like I said."

It made her laugh. "Stop it..", she laughed, bending over, holding her stomach. She couldn't get that picture out of her head again, of Paul's face, merging into Rowan Atkinson's.

He was glad that she was smiling again. The whole evening had been so nice that he almost feared that he had ruined it by getting to that topic.

After she got a grip of herself again, she turned over to him. "And is there anyone waiting for you in LA?"

He slightly shook his head. "I just came back from Mexico two weeks ago. I had to break all my bonds when I went there."

Audrey silently watched him, as he said that. She couldn't imagine how it was to break all the bonds and leave everything behind to go undercover. "How is it to come back then, when there's no one to come back to?"

"Strange.", he sighed. He wanted to say _at least there's work to come home to._ But not even that was true anymore. "Erin Driscoll, the new boss of CTU, she fired me. Effective once this debrief is over." He didn't even want to think about the future. "Tomorrow evening, when I get off the plane at LAX, I'll be a dope addict _and_ unemployed.", he took a deep breath and straightened up again, "Let's talk 'bout something else."

"Of course.", she silently said.

The good mood had been replaced by silence.

"I didn't want this to get that personal, Audrey", Jack began, "I just saw that you don't wear your wedding ring any more. And you did, last time. I shouldn't have asked."

"What, you noticed _that_?", she said, surprised, having a look at her hands.

"Fifteen years in intelligence.", he remarked. Of course, he had learned always to look at the little things. But then again, he had noticed that detail last time already, because if she hadn't worn one… no, what the hell was thinking? It made and it had made absolutely no difference if she was married or not. She is and was off limits.

"We separated a few weeks ago.", she silently said, "I just didn't work out any more."

"So you threw him out?"

She shook her head. "No, I left.", she snorted, "I moved in with my father again. He's got a big house in Alexandria, just on the other side of Potomac river." She really had to find a new apartment soon. Or move to a hotel.

"I know where Alexandria is.", he answered, thinking this through. "So you came all the way here, just to see me?" Last time, when she had brought him here, to the hotel, half a year ago, she'd said that the Cliffside Regents' was on her way home. Coming from Alexandria it was a giant detour.

She finally realized that she'd made a mistake, saying that. "Shit. Now you caught me.", she tiredly answered. "When I got to my car, I just didn't know where to go.", she admitted, "I didn't really want to go to our house since I moved out… and dad's not gonna miss me either when I don't show up…" Talking about it was the same heap of yesses and noes about where to drive, like a few hours ago. "I wanted to go to our house and grab some things when I saw the hotel." Her eyes found his. He seemed to understand her, how torn she was.

"Did you and Paul at least try to mend things?", he silently asked. He knew that he was in no position to give her any advice. But hearing about separation and divorce made him think back, unwillingly. He'd been where she was now.

"Yeah, we tried. We already were separated a while, a year ago.", she murmured. "Seeing others", she silently added, "But this time I guess it will be final."

"It's not over until it's over."

She had to smile hearing that nonsense. "Right"

Jack got up and went over to the minibar. It felt like this evening wouldn't be over too soon, and he didn't want it to be over anytime soon. His flight would leave tomorrow, around noon. And thereafter, there would only be silence and nobody else to talk to. Even worse: even if he found anyone to talk to, that one wouldn't be on clearance level 9, meaning that he'd have to stay silent, about half his life.

Surprised to hear that she also wanted a beer he took out two bottles and went back over to her. He was even more surprised to see that she had slipped to the other end of the couch, making space for him to sit there, next to her, and not on the armchair where he'd sat before.

Hesitatingly he let his body drop to the place where she'd sat before.

Audrey watched him open up the bottle caps with a pocket knife. That was one thing she'd always admired men for – being able to open up those damn bottles with practically anything while she was still always searching for a bottle opener.

They clinked bottles since he hadn't found any glasses.

Audrey watched him drink. He almost emptied half of the bottle in one draught. Either he was just thirsty, or he was keen on getting the alcohol into his system. It wouldn't even be that far-fetched if he had developed a multiple-substance abuse problem.

Now that he was sitting closer to her, the occasional silence had become really awkward. On the outside, it had become dark long ago, while the had ate and talked.

She looked at his hands that lay in his lap. The t-shirt exposed the tattoo on his left forearm, and the ones on his upper arms.  
"You didn't have that one, half a year ago.", she remarked, and grabbed his left wrist, to have a look at it.

"What, you noticed _that_?", he asked. She could have only seen his arms for a moment, half a year ago, while he was doing that fitness test.

"I hate tattoos. I would have noticed such a big one.", she said and had a look at it. It was a famous picture of the blessed virgin Mary. "Why that one?", she asked.

"It's the Salazar cartel's sign."

She looked up from his arm, into his eyes. "What, you didn't even get this voluntarily?" She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You got this for the sake of the mission?"

He nodded _yes_.

"You will have that for the rest of your life!", she loudly said, trying to make him understand how shocked she was.

"I'll be either a drug addict or an ex-drug addict for the rest of my life.", he said, "They could have also killed me, then I'd be dead for the rest of my life.", he added, "That's how being undercover works. _That's_ a small thing only.", he said, referring to the tattoo. "I even like the picture somehow."

She had a look at it again, slightly shaking her head. There was not only a whole world separating them. Now it felt like a whole universe.

"What if they'd had an ugly skull as their logo?", she probed, already knowing the answer.

He smiled. "Would have been bad luck."

She had to admit that she was getting in touch with missions like his every day. Back in her days as advisor to the intelligence committee, they had treated three or four such missions every week.  
And though she told herself that she had only kept an emotional distance from it all, she found herself thinking that she had not cared enough, about the men and women who were behind these missions. Often, they'd treated them like numbers, expecting them to do things that she didn't even want to think of.  
She had never really gotten closer to anyone of them. Except for Jack, now.

And suddenly, the lines in these papers and protocols seemed awfully real to her, feeling his arm in her hands, looking at this sign that he'd carry for the rest of his life.  
"At once… all these things are so horribly real", she remarked, softly running her fingers up his forearm, over his tattoo.

"Welcome to my life", he breathlessly added. "There's no turning back."

She stopped moving her hands further up, when she almost reached the crook of his arm. There were numerous small, red marks, punctures.

He saw what she was looking at. Anyone around here knew that he was a user. There was no need to hide this, therefore he didn't shoot up somewhere else, beneath his toenails or other hidden spots.  
"The cover, pretending to be an ex-junkie, would have never worked out. They would have killed me right away.", he murmured.

Hesitatingly she ran her fingers up further, over the little red marks. The skin around them was a little bit swollen. She could feel it, when she touched it. "How old are these?"

"About 48 hours. They heal off after two days."

She counted the spots. Six. So was using quite frequently. She felt his hand tremble slightly. Maybe that was one of the first and most subtle symptoms of that he had gone too long without satisfying his body. "When was your last one?", she asked.

He hesitatingly answered. "Today morning." When she had knocked at his door, he had actually just been about to shoot up. He was overdue.  
Now they both knew.

She looked up from his arm, to his face. "I better leave then, huh?", she said to him, and grabbed her bottle of beer, to finish it.

He drank a little, too. "I can delay it a little longer.", he told her, hoping that the alcohol would help. Usually, it did.  
He didn't want her to go.  
At least not _now_.

.

.


	11. Post-S3: Morning 2 I, Washington DC

When Jack woke up, he only slightly opened up his eyes, seeing the white linen of the bedclothes in front of him. He closed his eyes again, trying to find out where he was, before he'd stir.  
It had become a ritual, throughout the past months. To confirm it to himself, where he was, before showing any kind of reaction. Telling himself _I'm in Mexico, at the Salzar ranch. Once you open your eyes, focus._  
The ritual had changed recently, when he's started to tell himself _you're back home. Hell is over._ He realized that he really needed to focus, especially after waking up. It hadn't only happened once that he had woken up in L.A., groping for his gun, almost mixing his real life and his undercover life.

Today was no difference. Eyes closed he lay there, telling himself _you're in DC. Your flight leaves at twelve. This is your last workday at CTU, you drug addicted piece of sum._ A positive affirmation looked different. But sometimes, it was better to face the harsh reality.

He opened up his eyes and startled. Damnit, he wasn't lying here in bed alone!

Feverishly he tried to think back to yesterday evening – he remembered that Audrey had come here, that they had talked… but at one point, the memories of the evening faded into this usual blur, after taking drugs.

She lay right in front of him, covered by one of the sheets. Her shoulders and her arms were naked. He could see her contours through the sheer fabric…. It didn't look like she was wearing anything.

He slowly sat up and looked around. Some of her clothes lay at the coffee table, at the other side of the room, together with his grey t-shirt. He found her bra and his jeans on the floor, next to the bed.  
He looked down to her.  
The fact that he didn't remember anything frightened him. What if he had been rude to her, or hadn't treated her well? There were some bad memories in the back of his head, from the past months – of having sex while being on a drug trip.  
He watched her from head to toe.  
The expression on her face wasn't that bad. She almost looked happy, sleeping here.

She would have left, if he had treated her badly, wouldn't she? That was the only way how he could calm down his racing thoughts again.

Trying not to make the mattress move, he lay down again, facing her. She was still asleep. The blond hair covered half her face, and spread all over the pillows and the bed.  
She looked gorgeous, he had to admit.

He looked at his wristwatch. It was close to 8 a.m. He had probably woken up because his body demanded another fix.  
But he didn't want to move now.  
Spellbound, he lay there, watching her. He remembered nothing. Not one thing after sitting down on the couch, next to her. On the coffee table he had found four bottles of beer. So it couldn't really be the alcohol, what caused the blackout. It could only be heroin.

Most likely, she'd remember the past night, when she'd wake up.

A few inches of space parted him from her.  
He didn't dare get closer.  
What if she'd regret the past night? What if she opened up her eyes and started to scream, realizing where she was, and that she was here with him?  
He hoped that she wouldn't, but he couldn't be sure.

After lying there for a few minutes, he could take the tension no more.  
"Audrey", he silently whispered. Once more, a little louder. It was Friday… after all, he didn't want he to be late for work on top of all that.  
The tension was almost killing him – awaiting her reaction.

She opened up her eyes.  
Spellbound he stared at her.

She looked around a little, remembering where she was, and then her eyes came back to him again. "Hey.", she softly said, "good morning"

"Good morning" He was relieved to see a shy smile on her face, as she pulled the sheet around her and cuddled into it. It was embarrassing to admit that he didn't remember anything of the past night.  
As he was still searching for the right words to tell her, she already sensed that something was wrong.

"Are you alright?", she asked, sliding one of her hands out from underneath the sheets and grabbing his hand. "Need another shot?", she nodded her head at the bedside table.

Looking past her head, he saw his 'equipment' there… god, had he really done this in front of her?

She saw the shock in in his eyes. "Jack?", she silently asked, "everything okay?"

He turned back, looking into her eyes. "I…", he began, and kept on stammering, "I… I don't… I don't remember anything. Of last night." It was the greatest embarrassment to admit this, even greater than doing drugs and letting her watch. Had he slept with her? Most likely, yes, judging from where their clothes lay. Had it been good? No idea. Had he even been able to get it up? Well, sometimes the drugs interfered with that…

She started to laugh. "Hi, my name is Audrey", she joked, "I'm your one night stand, nice to meet you."

He closed his eyes and buried his face in the pillow, also laughing. Damnit, he was glad that she was in such a good mood. Okay, so most likely he had been able to get it up. And that she was still here probably meant that it hadn't been too bad for her.

He rolled onto his back and closed his eyes for a moment. "Nice to meet you, Audrey.", he said, joking back. He yawned deeply and then turned back to her again. "I only remember getting us a second round of beer…", he started, "That's the last thing."

She watched him from head to toe. He lay there, a few inches away, afraid of getting any closer to her. He obviously didn't know what to do now.  
But she didn't know that either.  
"So… what's the standard procedure for waking up next to a stranger?", she silently asked.

He shrugged. "I have no idea. I guess the last time that this happened to me is… quite some time in the past."

She cuddled into the blankets, slipping a little bit closer to him. "Then you have the lead, Jack. Never happened to me before."

He had known it from the first second on, that she was a classy lady, and not comparable to any other average woman. He was tearing her down… down to his level, wasn't he?  
"I'm not a stranger to you, am I?", he began, "You remember last night, don't you?"

She silently nodded.  
Hesitatingly she stretched out her hand and lay it at his naked torso. "Maybe I have to remind you, then", she said, with a mischievous grin on her face.

Spellbound, he watched her sliding closer. He wondered how it would be to kiss her. In the middle of that thought, her lips already met his.  
No, he didn't remember.  
But it was wonderful to experience it now. Sober. Being able to memorize it for the future.

She slid one of her legs from underneath her sheet and under the blanket that the lower half of his body was covered with, letting her toes stroke over his skin. Soon, her hand followed, finding his thigh. She started at his knee, slowly letting her hand run higher, on the inside of his thigh, feeling his arousal, as she moved her whole body closer to his, still not letting her lips lose contact with his.

He felt how slowly more and more of her skin touched his, until she finally lay on top of him. She was so skinny that he almost didn't feel her weight on him, as she teasingly moved her body, letting her nipples run over the skin on his chest.  
He didn't even realize how she'd done that, but suddenly he was inside her and they both started to move, geared to each other like they'd done this a thousand times before.

After a while, she broke away from the kiss, sitting up, riding him wildly, until they both climaxed.

Out of breath, she sat there, on top of him, feeling the pulse throbbing in her stomach and between her legs. He was still inside her. When she opened up her eyes and brushed her hair back, she found him lying there, looking at her with a seductive glance in his eyes, implicitly telling her that he was ready to go for another round.

She just smiled as an answer and let him grab her, pulling her down, rolling over, to take possession of her this time.

.

.


	12. Post-S3: Morning 2 II, Washington DC

Audrey lay in bed, watching his naked back, as he was talking to the woman who stood out there. She only knew her briefly, from a few phone calls with CTU, Agent Dessler. She and Jack had come here to DC for the DoD debrief, probably Erin Driscoll had sent Agent Dessler along as a watchdog for Jack.  
She heard that they were talking about plane tickets, just like Jack had expected. He had opened the door only for a small gap, leaving the door chain in place, so that she wouldn't even think of coming in here. And above all, he demonstratively hadn't put any clothes on. Probably the one out there could see through the tiny gap that he was naked. After a few moments, she gave him some papers and left.

Audrey cuddled into the blankets and watched him come back over to the bed. She couldn't really take her eyes off him.  
God, what had she been thinking? She was married, damnit! But then again, she was separated. And it was only for one night, right? Jack had the plane ticket back to L.A. already in his hand.  
Usually, she wasn't into bad guys. She remembered other girls who she'd known at a younger age, and they had always been after the bad guys, the ones with the motorcycles and the hockey players… but that just wasn't her thing. This man is a dope addict. He has killed over 170 people. He just brought a whole Mexican drug cartel down. He could kill you in an instant.  
She should have been afraid of him, but she wasn't. There was a soft side in him, one that – she guessed – he didn't show too many people, if any.

As he came over, he picked up a few of their clothes that lay in his way, bringing them back to the bed.

She saw the United Airways logo on the papers that he put down on the bedside table. Part of her was sad, that he'd leave so soon. Part of her was relieved that this night wouldn't have any further complications.

"When does your flight leave?", she asked, catching herself to hope for a later hour.

"Twelve o clock." He looked at his wristwatch. It was nine by now. They had almost had sex for a whole hour, thereafter lying in bed, making out, until Michelle's appearance had rudely disturbed them.  
Jack sat at the bed, looking down to her. She was smiling, as she cuddled into the blankets. He didn't need to ask her how she was – she was obviously feeling great, her face showed that from far.  
"Don't you need to go to work?", he asked her, finally. He reached out and softly brushed some blonde strands out of her face.

She shook her head, smiling. "I can start as late as eleven, if I want to." She closed her eyes again for a moment, but then she ripped them open again, remembering, "When do we have to clear the room?"

"Eleven, I guess."  
He looked around, aimlessly. There were some things, that he needed to do. Take a shower… pack his few things… get a fix. Definitely. It was high time. There was even more, which came into his mind. He had to find a job. Had to… No, getting detox didn't even make it on the list, although he subconsciously knew that this was the biggest thing of all. He pushed this out of his mind.  
He didn't even notice that Audrey slowly stretched out her hand, to grab his. It gave him a start, when she touched him, calling him "Jack?"

She had ripped him out of his horrible daydreams. "Yes?"

"Everything alright?", she asked, worriedly looking up to his face. She didn't know what was going on behind his blue eyes, but it could be nothing good. Whenever he was given a few minutes for himself, he seemed to remember awful things, getting that sad stare.

He hurriedly nodded _yes,_ just like the world was always expecting to hear.

She knew him better already. "Do you need another shot?", she asked him.

Unwillingly, his eyes touched upon the equipment that still lay on the bedside table, but at her side of the bed. He couldn't believe to see these things lying around openly. "Did I really do this… you know, in front of you?"

She pulled the blanket around her shoulders and slowly sat up. He still looked past her, at the things.  
"Yes you did" She stretched out her hands and grabbed his both arms. "I wanted you to."

He turned back to her. "Why?"

She couldn't really put it into words. She hadn't wanted to leave him alone, yesterday night. And above all, she hadn't wanted to leave at all, sitting with him there, for hours, talking about his life, her life, about his time Mexico, about the drugs, about her marriage, about their both problems… there was nothing that they couldn't talk about. Time just flew by.  
"I'm sorry.", she murmured, looking into his eyes. "I guess I just didn't want to leave." She had talked him into it, into doing this and letting her watch.

"This is so damn embarrassing.", he remarked, lowering his view. "I never wanted anyone to see me doing this." No, not even her. Every time that he prepared another shot for himself, he felt like a big piece of scum. Why wasn't he able to stop? The mission had been over, days ago. He could have stopped weeks ago – no, even months ago. The Salazar's wouldn't have minded it, once after he had gained their trust. Probably they would have even appreciated.  
He was torn. He wanted her to stay, but he didn't want her to see this.  
He hated the clock that was ticking, giving them only one or two more hours, though he would have wanted to talk to her, for whole days. He didn't deserve to be with her, not for one single second. "You should have ran away from me.", he sighed, "Instead of staying."

"No."  
She leant over to the bedside table and grabbed this things. "Here."

What, did she want to see him do this again, now? "You wanna ruin the last one and a half hours that we still have with _that_?"

"You won't have much time to do this once you go to the airport, right?" She could feel his hands tremble slightly, and she could see the occasional second, in which his face got distorted in pain, whenever his body reminded him it was time for this. "And besides, it won't take you one and a half hours to recover." She slightly smiled, as she thought back, "I still remember when we were counting the minutes until you'd wake up and be able to stand on your feet again."

He remembered every second of that, too. "You saved my life with this." She had been there for him, when had struggled, she had been the one watching the effects that the drug had on him, helping him prepare for the things that would await him down the border. "You really did."

"It was a pleasure."

"Really?" He couldn't believe that. Sadly smiling, he looked into her eyes. God, he didn't deserve to be here, not one second. He didn't even deserve to know her. How could he have ever let her into this room, let this wonderful person be in one room with someone like him? Sleeping with someone like him? "I can hardly believe that you're here with me now, after all you saw. Did I force you to sleep with me last night?" Sober, he probably would have never even dared to kiss her.

She laughed, shaking her head. "No." Actually, it had been right the other way round. He had barely woken up from his drug-induced stadium of apathy yesterday night, when she had decided to kiss him. He would have never refused to anything, in that state. "It was a great night." It was no lie. It had been the best night that she'd had in months, full of slow sex and passionate kisses. She couldn't really compare it to having sex with Paul… which had become a dispassionate, almost mechanical act, no matter how many flowers he'd bring, to apologize for everything and to talk her into having another try.  
"At least for me." Throughout the whole night, she had lain there, watching him sleep his high off, guessing that it had been the drugs, that had made him forget anything else and dissolve into her.

"I'm sorry that can't remember a thing.", Jack sighed. It was embarrassing.  
He took the vial, which lay in between them, into his hands, to have a look at it. It was good for this one shot – he had planned it to be like that. Transporting that thing in an airplane always was a risk, which could easily get him into jail for possession again – for real, this time. "I hate doing this."

She leant forward and slowly put his arms around him, hugging him. "I know. You said that."

He closed his eyes and buried his face in her neck. He shouldn't delay this any longer, he knew. Take the shot now and get it over with. Head to the airport and go 'home', if that was really a place that he could call that way. It was an empty apartment, which he had rented two weeks ago, after coming back. Half of his things were still in storage after having been evicted, the other half was somewhere at a storage at CTU.  
The only thing that was really waiting for him was another vial, well hidden behind an air register in the bathroom. As much as he hated doing this – the thought of going through withdrawal was even worse.

As Audrey let him go, he straightened up again, grabbing the vial and the syringe. The simple look at these two things was telling him, that he wasn't strong enough to get rid of them. The cover story had worked out just too well – making him turn into the person that he'd just want to act. A weak piece of shit, too weak to say no, too weak to quit. A person that simply needed this stuff.

Though he avoided to look into her eyes, Audrey silently watched his, as he drew a bit of the colorless liquid into the syringe and tied the band around his arm. She could see the hurt in them. He could no longer tell himself that he was doing it for the mission, or not to get killed. There was no sense in doing this, and he knew that, but nevertheless, he couldn't stop, because the world around him still required him to function, somehow, sentencing him at the same time for doing it.  
Just before he stung into his vein, she called him to halt "Jack?"

He looked up.

"You are more than only this.", she whispered, looking into his blue eyes. She couldn't even imagine how it was, to be the one, who others were pointing their fingers at, talking in the quiet, reducing him only to his weakness. Nobody, no person who she'd met at DoD, familiar with his case, still saw the lead agent of CTU in him, or the one who had brought down the Salazar cartel, or the one who had stopped another major terrorist threat. Negating the things that he had achieved, they clawed into his weakness. "You did not fail.", she said, determinedly.

"I did", he breathed.

"It's what others see in you now, but it's not the truth. They are all wrong." She grabbed his face with her hands, desperately trying to kill this sadness in his eyes. "I always believed in you."

He couldn't believe her words. "You did?"

"It was not a mistake, to believe in you." She silently nodded, looking into his eyes, even trying to show him a little smile. "Until two weeks ago… I guess I was the only one to know your secret…" She knew that it would all be way easier for him, if nobody had ever found out about his addiction. Then he wouldn't bear this stigma for the rest of his life. "I called CTU every two weeks to hear how you were doing… and every other time Tony Almeida told me about the progress that you were making down there, the things that you did, the information they got, through you… and I knew under which conditions you were doing all that. I knew better than him what you were putting on the line to get this job done."

He lowered his view, finding the syringe in his hands.

"Every time I called, I got it confirmed, that you have this under control, and that you were doing the right things.", she said, slowly moving forward, until their foreheads touched. "You did not fail.", she repeated, forcefully.

She felt him tremble beneath her touch. She could feel all the tension in him, and it was like she could read his thoughts in that moment.

"I don't _wanna_ do this", he spoke under his breath.

"I know." She really did. Her eyes followed his, down to the syringe. He really didn't want to do this, he hadn't wanted it back then, and he didn't want it now. She knew that, even if the whole world out there refused to believe this.

They sat like this, for another few moments, in silence, before he finally did, what his body demanded him to do.

.

.


	13. Post-S3: Morning 2 III, Washington DC

_Waking up from a high had never felt that good._

Audrey watched his face, as he was lying in her arms, still naked, and barely awake. She remembered the first few days, six months ago, when he had taken 0.5 milliliters of that stuff, once a day, and it had knocked him out for half an hour. Now he was taking about 3, every eight hours, and if everything turned out like yesterday night, he'd now probably only be out for a few more minutes.

His breathing had slowed down, his limbs lay there, numb, his head rested against her chest. From time to time, his eyes opened up a little, closing again without any further reaction to what they had seen or not seen.

Audrey pulled a blanket over their both bodies and held him close, counting the minutes, just like she had used to, half a year ago.  
It frightened her to see how much his breathing had slowed down. Sometimes, even when she listened closely, she couldn't make out if he was still breathing at all. Only his eyes showed her that he was still alive.  
Though she had been there for him, half a year ago, she had actually never seen a real high- she had only seen the moments after which he had been able to pick up the phone again. Probably that was one more reason, why she had talked him into letting her watch this, yesterday night. She wanted to see it, what it did to him, even though he hadn't wanted that at first.  
They had sat at the couch, as she had helped him bind that rubber band around his arm and had watched him do it. He had woken up, a few minutes later, still heavily influenced, but he had been in some state that could be called 'awake'.  
She remembered looking into his eyes, 12 hours ago. The sadness hadn't been there. The rancorous stare had been replaced by a contented look in his eyes, the corners of his mouth had for once not pointed downwards. He had looked truly happy, back then. Just like now.  
She had known that he was barely able to move his body, and she had taken advantage of that, slipping closer to him, on the couch, knowing that he wouldn't yield back, fight back or say no, in this state. When she had kissed him, she had even prayed that he wouldn't be able to remember it. She had just wanted to try this… damnit, she hadn't even asked him first, if he wanted this at all. He was a guy. No guy said no, right?

Softly, she now ran her fingers through his hair, stroking over his cheek. He slightly stirred.  
Had she made his life more complicated, with the things that she had done, in the past night? It hadn't been fair, she had to admit. She hadn't seduced him, or tempted him into sleeping with her. After all, she had just done it, taking advantage of the fact that he had hardly been able to make any decision at all.

At first, it had only been a kiss, a tender touch of their lips which she hoped he wouldn't remember. But she hadn't stopped there, damnit. At one point, she had felt that he was reacting to her kiss, maybe not even consciously, but he did start to kiss her back. One thing had led to another, soon she had had his hands on him, and he had had his hands on her. Not one more second had she thought of stopping at this point. She had ran her hands up his body, underneath his t-shirt, finally making him take it off. It had been funny to know that he probably still was in a state where he couldn't even get to his feet, but that didn't matter back then. She didn't want him to get to his feet, anyway.

A few minutes later he was lying on the couch, on his back, half naked, and she was sitting on top of him, slowly watching him recover from at least the worst high, while she tenderly put kisses all over his bare chest.

Audrey softly stroked over his skin now, remembering the moment of last night, when their eyes had briefly met. He had told her that _he loved her_ , that were his first and only words, as he managed to speak again. Were it the drugs, which had made him say that? Part of her feared that, part of her hoped it.  
She was at least glad that he couldn't remember it, anyway. She had never wanted this relationship to get too personal, and she'd always had the feeling that this wasn't what he wanted, either.  
But hearing these words… no matter if he had meant them or not… made her smile, as she thought back. After that, they hadn't really spoken anymore, he had reached out and grabbed her neck, pulling her down to him, finally taking her clothes off. After half an hour of making out on the couch, he had carried her over to the bed, where they got rid of the last pieces.

She held him tight now, having a look at her wristwatch. Twelve minutes had passed, since the shot. Time to come to himself again.

Waking up from a high had never felt as good as now, Jack instinctively knew, though he was still way too intoxicated to put it in words. As he finally realized where he was, he just closed his eyes again and snuggled up to her body. He was used to so much solitude that he treasured the few moments which were different. God, he could easily fall for that woman.  
A few more minutes. If she'd not realize that he was 'alive' again, just for a few more minutes, then he could savor that nearness a little longer.

She did realize that he had woken up again.  
But she didn't say anything, because she realized what he was doing. Wordlessly, she just kept lying there, where she was, doing the same – savoring the moment.

"56", he silently said, ten minutes later, his eyes still closed.

At first, Audrey wondered what he meant with it, but then she suddenly remembered. It had been their running joke, half a year ago. She couldn't help but smile. "You still remember that?"

"Yeah, I do." He had remembered it, all the time. He had treasured the few phone calls with her, as his time undercover had started. "I thought about that, all the time."

She opened her eyes, squinting at him. "Really?" He looked different, now. All the sadness was gone again, she saw. He looked truly happy, lying in her arms. It had to be the effect of the drugs.

As he lay there, thinking back, only the good memories came into his mind. "All the time", he repeated, "Especially the first few times I woke up from a high and _nobody_ called me on the phone, asking me equations I can't solve."

"7 times 8 is not an equation!", she laughed, "It's grade school!"

Right now he just felt good, lying there, laughing with her. Not even the thought that he'd have to leave her in half an hour made it into his consciousness. "35, 42, 49, 56, 63", he spoke, thinking back, "I guess the Mexicans sometimes wondered what I was talking about." After these few phone calls only, her repeated question of what 7x8 was had burnt itself into his mind so deeply that it most of the times had been the first thought, waking up from the drugs, in prison, on the run, in Mexico, on the Salazar ranch. In the end, he was so glad, that their banter about his failure of grade-school knowledge had been the first thing to come to his mind, and not something from work or CTU. In this half-intoxicated state people often started to mumble things which were on their minds. He had seen some other addicts do that. What if he had mumbled things about CTU? Unthinkable. Again, talking to her had saved his cover.  
"Half intoxicated, people often say the truth and don't even realize it.", he explained to her, watching their hands find each other, fingers interlocking. "I'm so glad that _that_ was on my mind back then, and not something which would have compromised my cover."

She froze. She thought 12 hours back. _I love you._ That had been his words, his only words, in that half-intoxicated state.  
No, she couldn't tell him that he had said that. Or should she? No, definitely not. All the time, she had believed that drugs had been making him say stupid things… had they made him say the truth?

"Audrey?", he silently asked.

She startled, feeling as if he had caught her, thinking this. "Yes?", she stammered.

"Thanks for this night.", he silently said. It had been the best night in… he couldn't even think back. When had there ever been a woman who he could share his thoughts with, even the classified ones?

"You don't even remember it.", she remarked.

"Well, then for the parts that I can remember." The evening, and waking up next to her… this morning.

She sighed and snuggled up to him as well, trying to forget that he'd be gone in a few minutes. _I could easily fall for this man,_ she thought, keeping it meticulously to herself. She had never thought that she'd be lying in bed with a dope-addict, sleeping with man who she had seen three times only in her life, who told her about torturing people and about getting tortured himself, knowing that he had killed people, knowing that he'd leave her, that he'd go back to the other side of the continent in only a few hours and would never come back… and nevertheless she felt safe and loved his company.

The stayed there for a few more minutes, until the clock finally forced them to part.

.

.

* * *

.

.

She didn't have that many things to pack. After taking a shower, she gathered up her clothes that lay at places all over the room. She wondered how many of her colleagues would realize that she came two work, wearing the same clothes again. It was Friday – she wouldn't stay there for too long, anyway.

Jack threw his few things into his bag and put the suit jacket on. They hadn't talked too much in the past twenty minutes, it felt like everyone was afraid to speak the words that had to be said: _goodbye, we won't see each other again._

She heard a knock at the door. Jack went over and told Michelle to give him three more minutes. She was already waiting for him, to leave for the airport.

Hiding behind the only corner in the room, Audrey heard him close the door. _Damnit, this is goodbye,_ she thought, watching him come back over. He wore a white shirt, the suit jacket over it but the same blue jeans like yesterday evening. All his stuff was already packed. He took the bag from the bed and looked around one more, last time. Nothing left.  
His view came to rest upon her.

Slowly he went over to her, not knowing what to say.

"So, what's standard procedure in such a case?", she asked him, looking into his eyes, softly smiling.

He shrugged. "I have no idea.", he said, stopping a few feet away from her. Judging from the things she had said, he had been her first ever one night stand. He thought back to the few one-night stands that he'd had in his life. Usually, he had ran off, whenever he had been the first to wake up. "Take good care.", he silently said, coming closer, placing a kiss on her cheek.

She closed her eyes, savoring the moment of feeling his cheek against hers, hearing him say, "I really like you Audrey. You're gorgeous."

Had he made a mistake, saying it? Had he let this all become too personal? Damnit, he had slept with her, he didn't even know how many times, in the past twelve hours, this already _had_ become personal. But the way things were, they still seemed to have a way out, leaving now, without getting any ties, by just denying any possible feeling.  
He felt how she grabbed his face, making him turn over, to kiss him.

It was a slow kiss, a passionate one, a silent one, throughout they both stood there, eyes closed, denying that Michelle was just outside the door, waiting for him. He backed Audrey to the wall, leaning his body against hers. Damnit, why did this feel so good?

Finally they stood, their foreheads touching.

"Take care, Jack", she whispered.

"You, too."

Michelle knocked at the door, once more.  
"I gotta go."

"I know" She gave him another, small kiss. "Bye"

He kept his eyes closed, as he straightened up again and turned away. He didn't want to see her, being left – it would be another picture which would burn itself into his memories, taking an all too prominent place there, in the row of the pictures constantly him of the mistakes that he had made in the past 41 years.  
It had been fifteen hours in heaven, and he opened the door to go back into his reality, into hell.

.

.

.

* * *

 _Author's note:_

 _Guys, I decided to end this story at this point, it feels like the story arc is closed. I know, most of the stories of how Jack and Audrey got involved depict them as the couple who had sex.. and more sex and then some more… I just wanted to see them have a deeper connection, one not only based on a very physical relationship.  
I know that you hate me now, for tearing them apart at the end of the story (once again), but there's Paul still out there, and Jack has to go to rehab, and I'm sure he wouldn't want Audrey to see him there._

Thanks for reading. Please review.

Written to: FEEL. (Kendrick Lamar) and No Expectations (Rolling Stones)


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